


father, forgive me (for finding the truth)

by Leutik



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Convent AU, F/F, because shit wasn't religious enough back in the island, has to be set somewhere in europe for historical accuracy (?), intial diffidence, kind of teacher-student dynamic but it works both ways, middle 16th century setting, more like they're reciprocally threatened by what the other stands for, not really an enemies to lovers, nun au, slow burn?, there's some bible talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29334768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leutik/pseuds/Leutik
Summary: we're during the counter-reformation in europe, and the convents are opening their doors to all unmarried women: homeless, prostitutes, etc.shelby is a nun, very religious, very committed. toni is a former homeless, looking for a place to stay, very atheist, very gay.they inevitably clash.title from years & years "sanctify"
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 15
Kudos: 119





	1. day one

Dim warm lights, a few candles. Wooden furniture, golden details, marble pillars and colorful glass on the windows. Many paintings. The echo of walking in a sacred space.

Toni knew she wasn’t supposed to be here. But she was, because she spent one too many nights on the side of the road, shivering, begging for alms that no one would give her. Too old for orphanage, too unworthy for anything else. But the counter-reformation came, and the local convent opened its doors to her. To her, to the local prostitute Fatin, to the local madman Leah, to the poor Martha with no dowry and to the hysterical Nora, too thirsty for knowledge for a lady, and because if the older sibling won’t marry neither should the youngest one, to Rachel too — and to Dot, who eloped with a foreigner, like she didn’t know she wasn’t supposed to.   
Toni knew them because they were the only ones who stopped by to give her a piece of bread, or a blanket they stole. It didn’t matter if Toni stood in front of the church every Sunday, or if she sat outside of the marketplace. From the most spiritual place to the least she wouldn’t receive a thing, and the only people who supported the poors, were other poors.

But the counter-reformation happened, and the convent had to recruit as many young women it could, because what if they fell for the protestant heresies’ spell? So Toni and the rest were welcomed to stay there without taking any vows for the moment, because Jesus taught them freedom, the older nuns told them.

The first thing Toni noticed, the very first few minutes she stepped in the massive building, was silence. A loud silence, so very sharply different than the persistent noise Toni was used to, staying so close to the forum. It was silent, as if everyone annihilated their right to speak, for their freedom to listen. It was everything, and Toni never really adjusted to it. Every time so taken aback, she felt like she should have started talking to herself, to fill the void — but it was no void at all, it was rather cumbersome.   
The second thing Toni noticed, was how majestic everything looked. Majestic, expensive, beautiful. Gaudy at points, as if it was too much, and naked at others, as if that simple golden cross, devoid of any other wrapping around it, screamed to be seen. Toni had been living the past few years in the gray and dusty streets to remember that feeling — that overwhelming sensation of being so, so small, in the best way possible. That urge to kneel down and kiss the wood grains, the silky curtains, the overly-detailed carpets. It wasn’t a display of power, but the attempt at manifesting something buried so deep down in people’s cores, that was art and beauty, that Toni felt like crying.   
Toni felt like crying for the warm sensation of being given new, intact clothes, the ability to take a bath, being given comfort and dignity again.

But it ended there. Toni was a spiritual person, despite being thrown in the most materialistic situation possible, begging for anything to eat, for material sustaining, worrying constantly over surviving. But she was, because she’d been alone for so many years, that she was forced with her own thoughts, forced to learn how to communicate with her inner self.  _ But _ , Toni wasn’t religious. Because churchgoers were hypocrites, and clergymen were even worse. They had their nails tight around their money, foam forming on the corner of their mouth at the thought of pleasing an abstract concept. And yes, Toni had no proof that god was only an abstract concept, but she couldn’t wrap her mind around the idea of devoting one’s entire life to it. Still, here Toni was. Being shown around with the other girls by a group of old nuns, wearing white habits, explaining how they got them after taking their solemn vows. They crossed paths with younger nuns, nuns their age, wearing gray habits, and the nuns explained how they too could take their basic vows whenever they felt ready. There were established rhythms, and their faith had to be verified by a prioress, or as the white-clothes nuns told them, the « Mother Superior. »

Toni filtered all that because she knew she didn’t need any of that. She just needed to survive a little longer, feed well, gain some strength, perhaps steal a thing or two — just because she was already a thief, and all that gold wasn’t serving a purpose anyway — and  _ leave _ . Leave for anywhere, any place she could just work, exist, provide for herself, despite being a formerly homeless, despite being a woman. A place like that had to exist, somewhere. Or, hell, Toni would create it with the girls.

« You’ll be assigned to a nun to guide you in your discovery of a new life by God’s light. She’ll explain services, work hours, and bible studying. » The nun also told them they would share their room with her, because « The night is when one is the most defenceless, in the Temptator’s eyes. »   
Toni didn’t exactly understand how having a roommate would have helped that, if that was even true and such a thing as a Temptator existed, but she didn’t question it.

It was a late and windy autumnal night, right after supper, the night they had been welcomed in the majestic convent’s arms. Toni listened to the instructions up to that point with distracted eyes, now at the beauties inside of the place, now at the thunderstorm that was taking place outside. Those were Toni’s least favourite nights. She’d take shelter under someone’s porch, and be kicked in the ribs during the morning, waking up drenched nonetheless. But now Toni had a shelter: a big solid one, and she could take relief in it.

« For your first night, to get in contact with your spirituality, with your soul, with the light God put within you, there’s a vow of silence. You’re allowed to speak again in the mornings, but until then, praying is the way. » And with that, behind the nun who’d been talking up to that point, seven young women in a light gray habit walked in, ready to lead them in their new rooms. Toni had no idea if they were sorted out randomly or what, but she took a tentative step towards them as all of the other girls did, and quickly she found herself following a girl up the stairs. Toni caught the blonde hairline under her veil, so she started addressing her as the blonde woman, in her head.

Toni studied her. For no particular reason really, except that Toni was used to it by now. Spending so much time amongst people, invisible to them, with all that spare time forced her into that habit. A game at first, then an automatic response to boredom, to something she couldn’t imagine not doing. So Toni followed her, a few steps behind, as the two of them parted ways with the rest, down to a corridor. They stopped before a wooden door, unlocked, and the blonde woman pressed her hand on the doorknob for it to open. It did with a squeak, and it made Toni huff a laugh, for some reason. The woman looked behind her shoulder with a look Toni couldn’t really pinpoint, despite her ability to study people. A look of surprise, and disapproval, and fear and curiosity all at once. Then, as soon as it came it was gone, and in its place came pure neutrality.

Once they got inside the woman closed the door behind them, and because the girls were already fed, dressed and washed to a separated part of the convent, upon their arrival, there was nothing for Toni to do in that new space. The room was entirely made of wood, from the floor to the walls to the ceiling, with a way more sober look than the rest of the building. As if the splendor was reserved for the places god was worshipped in, and everywhere but there needed to stay moderate. But wasn’t god everywhere?

« So, huh, what’s your name? » Toni asked, because the blonde woman was bustling about her things, tidying up what already looked perfectly aligned, from her books to her ink bottles, straightening her covers and things of this nature. The woman looked briefly at Toni but said nothing, kneeling in front of her bed instead, hands conjunct together.

She was taking the vow seriously then, and that made Toni chuckle, for some reason. « What are you, uh, what are you praying? I mean, I know it’s god, but like, what are you asking them? » Toni knew she needed to shut up, but she felt restless being around a stranger in an unfamiliar space, and she was too buzzing with excitement for having things now that she wasn’t feeling like sleeping at all. Also, if she was going to spend that much time with that woman as the older nun told her she would, she could at least try and get to know her better, right?

The woman looked at her behind her shoulder, parted her lips but turned her head to the wall again.

Toni rolled her eyes, collapsed on the bed and muttered to herself: « No more talking then. Got it. » And with that, she drifted to sleep.

**♰ day one**

Morning came, in the best way possible for Toni. No old men trying to steal her stuff, no young rascals kicking her, no loud noises of the marketplace starting to work. It was the warmness of the sun rays filtering through the light white curtains, the gentle background noise of someone moving the sheets, and the content feeling of her stomach for being fed the previous night.   
She smiled, waking up — it didn’t happen for way too long, so long she couldn’t recall the last time.

« Goodmorning. » The blonde woman told her, and that woke her up wholly, as Toni rubbed her knuckles against her eyes and sat up on the bed.

She cracked an eye open and caught the nun staring at her, before turning back to her bed-making ritual. Toni wore the nightgown they gave her, and with that and the blankets she didn’t wake up once that night. She replied with a little slurred: « ‘Morning. » before standing up to stretch.

« So you’re not mute, huh. » Toni commented, voice thick with sleep, walking to the window and moving the curtain to the side, to look at how the thunder was over and a pretty rainbow took its place.

« I’m not, I was following Mother Gretchen’s orders. » The woman replied, and Toni felt the disapproval in her tone. Toni just eyed her to let her know she acknowledged it, but turned to look outside again.

« I’m Shelby, by the way. » The woman told her, now finished with her duties, standing straighter and ready to leave, feet pointing at the door.

She continued: « You need to dress up and we can go downstairs for work hours. »

Toni blinked in need to catch up a little. She replied, first of all things, with her name: « Toni. » then she moved to fetch her black habit, and she took a step towards Shelby.

« You need to make your bed first. » She told her, and Toni just shrugged, « I don’t know how it’s done. »

« Haven’t you ever done it? Before… »

Toni couldn’t help the smile creeping on her face, an ironic one, because what was that Shelby asking her? If she made her bed before not having one to sleep in? She’d laugh in her face, but she just settled on smiling, instead.

Shelby caught up with that and just shook her head, muttering a: « Nevermind. » to herself, before walking up next to her, to show her.

It was a stupid thought to have, but Toni didn’t manage to ignore how nice she smelled, how pretty her hands were, and how attentive she looked in teaching Toni a simple thing such as making her own bed. Toni was told how to do it, back in the orphanage, but she never bothered to learn, accepting the punishment back in the day.

They walked downstairs, as Shelby showed her where to go for the  _ lauds _ , which were the prayers they had to do at dawn, the  _ prime _ , at sunrise, and the  _ terce  _ at mid-morning. They slept in, as Mother Gretchen told them they could, being their first night and needing to adjust to the rhythm, so that now they needed to work in the garden until the  _ sext _ , at midday.

As Shelby told her all that, Toni low whistled, « Four prayers a day, every day? »

Shelby chuckled, « And we only started. There’s also the  _ none  _ at mid-afternoon the  _ vespers  _ at sunset and the  _ compline _ , before retiring. Seven times a day, like the Psalms taught us. »

Toni vaguely remembered something of bible study from her childhood, but her jaw slightly opened when Shelby recited by heart: « “ _ Seven times a day I praise you for your righteous rules _ ” ». There was no way Toni would learn the bible by heart. There was no way she would read it all, to begin with.   
And on top of that, Shelby added: « I don’t think you’re ready to hear about the  _ vigil  _ and the  _ matins _ . » Toni just blinked, and Shelby clarified: « It’s the night watch. » 

Shelby explained that it was what they called the canonical hours, and it was the way their days were articulated under god’s guidance.

Once outside, Toni saw the rest of the girls and their nun-guides working in the garden, picking up tomatoes, potatoes and carrots, cutting grass, sowing seeds, watering the plants. It was a pretty sight, all of them working together, until Shelby cleared her voice and Toni had to roll up her sleeves too.

She worked side by side with Shelby, loosening the soil. The garden was huge, and Toni was sure it could feed twice the convent population, at least. Judging by the noise she heard from a wooden structure nearby in the garden, they had farm animals too. Sheeps and chickens, were the noises she distinguished.

« So, you work and pray all day? » Toni asked, trying to fill the silence. Looking around everyone worked so diligently, alone, doing their thing without looking up. They almost acted as if they were strangers, despite Toni knew they had been living all together for years now. It was a weird phenomenon to witness, but perhaps it was the many age gaps.

Shelby huffed, pushed her veil back a little, a little drop of sweat forming on her forehead. It had to be quite hot, under all those clothes and the warm sun, doing physical work, Toni guessed.

« We study too, hold the soup kitchen, help with the church’s services. » Shelby briefly listed, looking at Toni for the briefest of moments, before going back to her work.

« If you’re hot you can take it off, you know. » Toni threw there, albeit she knew that Shelby didn’t need her to tell her what she could and couldn’t do. It just seemed too stupid in Toni’s eyes to suffer the hot during a quite cold day, for no reason.

Shelby smiled, as if talking to a child, and Toni felt a little bubble of anger rising in her, « No, I actually can’t. But thanks for the concern. »

They didn’t talk for the rest of the morning.

Toni’s stomach protested, during the midday prayer. It only had one full meal, but it got already used to it apparently, and now Toni was swinging on her feet next to Shelby, who kept glancing at her from the corner of her eye, as if reproaching her. Toni had to distract herself, but she didn’t know a thing about latin, so all she heard was pretty-sounding words. She had to admit though, Shelby’s voice was celestial.

Toni didn’t believe in god, she believed in people, and most of them let her down anyways — but if she had to picture angels’ voices, then it would have been Shelby’s. Because it was light, clear, crystalline, flawless. Still, Toni wondered how it would have sounded a bit raspier, with a bit more feeling to it. Or better, with a little less devotion kind of feeling, and a bit more desperation perhaps. There was no reason for Toni to let her mind wander there, because Shelby had no reason to be sad at all, in Toni’s eyes. She did Jesus, she did the nun-thing, she was objectively beautiful and she could have had any man she wanted, if she wanted. Hers must have been a free choice, because even without a dowry such a beautiful girl would have been married in a second, if on the marketplace. Ugh, such a bad image.

So Toni whispered, as soon as they sat back down, the Mother Superior reading from the ambon, « Is your family poor? »

Shelby eyed her, and Toni was pleased, for some reason, to find curiosity and amusement in her eyes. She looked back in front of her as Toni sighed, knowing she would stay silent until the end of the praying session, or whatever.

Once outside, on their way to their first meal of the day — which Toni couldn’t wait for, now that her brain told her stomach that she would have something under her teeth regularly — Shelby answered: « It isn’t. »

Toni was walking in front of her, as they were to walk in a line, and she peeked at her from behind her shoulder, « What? »

« My- the family I came from, isn’t poor. »

Toni nodded, having already forgotten her question, but as she turned around to ask why she was here then, Shelby explained: « I’m a- they’re the Goodkind. I don’t know if you’ve heard of them. »

« You’re a  _ Goodkind _ ? Like,  _ the  _ Goodkinds? What the hell are you doing in here? » Toni couldn’t help but ask, eyes widened, the picture of the huge mansion by the hill in her mind. The Goodkind family had noble origins, were like aristocrats or something, and the wealthiest family in the village.

Toni felt a cold hand on her cheek, Shelby’s, to turn her head forward and keep quiet.   
So Toni did, suddenly silent and obedient.

Toni was never taught manners and etiquette, because why would the nuns at the orphanage? It wasn’t like any of their children would ever be engaged to an important figure. Still, now that Toni knew that Shelby was a Goodkind, she couldn’t help but notice Shelby’s straight posture, how she brought the spoon to her lips, how she used the napkin regularly. Toni had her torso inclined forward, her elbows on the table, food even on the point of her nose. She didn’t register it, until Shelby kept stealing glances behind her napkin with glistening eyes, a little squinted as if laughing behind the cloth piece, having the time of her life.

« What? » Toni asked, bringing another spoon to her mouth.

Shelby just shook her head. « It’s nothing. »

« Is that you eat like you were homeless, that’s what it is. » Rachel interjected, a few seats of distance from them. The rest of the girls chuckled at the dry humor, and Toni found herself smiling too, « Very funny. »

She noticed the gulp Shelby took, and how her eyes flickered at the sides, are if caught with something inappropriate.

In the afternoon the older nuns separated from them, and Toni eavesdropped on Fatin asking her supervisor nun if they were going to take an afternoon nap. She replied that they were in charge with bureaucratic matters, keeping correspondence with the bishop and things of this nature. Toni scoffed to herself, as they were probably just going to take a nap. What forms would they have to fill in, anyways? The personal information of the new recruits? She was Toni, and she was pretty sure her last name had to be Shalifoe. That was it. She didn’t even know exactly how old she was, or when her birthday was.

« You okay? » Dot asked her, walking past her.

« Just wondering how long before we can take our afternoon naps too. »

Apparently, all mornings were dedicated to working, and all afternoons to studying the bible.

« Actually, not only the Scripture. Also the Church Fathers’ writings, like the Book of Sentences, the Summae Theologiae- » Shelby started to explain to her, once they were both sitting down at one of the massive wooden tables in the huge and majestic library of the convent.

« How come there’s only church fathers? What about the church mamas? »

Shelby just opened the Bible in front of them, avoiding the question. Perhaps she thought it was a silly question, but in Toni’s head it was a very valid one. So she pressed: « I mean, you’re a nun, you would know if there are any. Have women ever written for the church? »

« Women don’t write. » Was Shelby’s dry answer.

« Yeah, no, I’m pretty sure they can though. Can you write? »

Again, Shelby ignored her. She opened the breviary next to the bible, starting a prayer before their study. After the little canonic one, Shelby added: «  _ “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” _ » And if Toni was wondering, which she wasn’t, Shelby specified: « It’s from the Psalms. My favourite book. »

Toni just awkwardly nodded, because that was yet another proof of how into that whole thing Shelby was. Toni wondered if Shelby could write, and if so, why didn’t she answer. Toni knew being able to write and read was very valuable, for many people did that as a job. Writing letters from dictation and keeping track of money exchanges were the two most profitable ones, she’d heard from the marketplace. Toni wished someone taught her, back in the orphanage, but perhaps those nuns didn’t know how to write and read themselves. She only knew that Nora knew those things, and now perhaps Shelby did too. Dot tried to teach herself, but got too caught up with work and abandoned it. Perhaps staying at the convent could be more than just a matter of surviving. Perhaps they could learn to become independent. But who would entrust a woman with dictation and money tracking? Toni hated that world she lived in.

« Toni. » That was the first time Shelby called her by her name, and Toni blinked twice before understanding that she was being called back to attention.

« I said we will start from the Genesis. »

« Of course. »

« It’s the book written last amongst the Pentateucus. »

« I’m sorry, the…? »

« The first five books are called Pentateuch. Those are the Genesis, the Exodus, the Leviticus, the Numbers and the Deuteronomy. »

Shelby started reading out loud for her, as Toni crossed her arms on the table and rested her head on them, sideways, one cheek pressing against the sleeves to look at Shelby while she read. Her voice was sweet, as if dripping of something honey-like, sugary, something Toni felt worth tasting. “Worth”. As if she hadn’t been homeless and starving until the day before. But it was something else entirely she was referring to, and she felt her heart pound a little in her ribcage.

She was still focusing, drinking in every word, because she wanted to prove something to Shelby. That she could listen, that she was more than just a homeless, if given the opportunity. To be honest with herself, Toni thought that no homeless person was just a homeless, they all found themselves forced into the situation, and all of them could do so much good. But just like people underestimated women, they did the same with homeless people.   
There was no reason for Toni to feel that way, as she just met Shelby. But perhaps it was because she was a Goodkind, perhaps it was because she sang so perfectly, perhaps it was because she could write and read, that Toni felt so in awe.

The book was a rollercoaster. Six days, the seventh to rest, light and dark and water and earth? Eden? The creation of Adam and Eve, the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge, the snake? 

« Wait, how is it Eve’s fault? » Toni stopped Shelby, at one point.

« Because Eve tempted Adam. »

« He still could have said no. They have the same share of faults, that’s not fair. »

« Are you saying that God isn’t fair, Toni? » Shelby’s eyes flashed with something, and what Toni felt was awe, started to morph into something slightly different. Curiosity, pity, diffidence, contempt? Too slight to pick up on, yet. Because Shelby did sing that well, was a Goodkind and knew how to read and perhaps how to write too, but she wasn’t very smart, if she thought that Eve’s treatment was fair. So no, what Toni could have labeled as admiration was surely something else entirely, from that moment on.

She just answered: « Keep going, please. »

That night they slipped in their respective beds, the vow of silence after the compline still going.


	2. day two and three

Her name was Becca. Shelby was thirteen, when  _ it _ happened. She was the daughter of her household’s maid, and she often spent her time at their house, because no one was at her home to help her. Shelby knew that her parents were good people, because they always let her stay to spend time with her. Shelby had her private lessons, but Becca quietly played alone in the living room, waiting for Shelby to be done so that she could join her. Shelby knew Becca since they were infants, neither of them able to recall the moment they actually introduced themselves. Probably their parents did, or perhaps it was so natural that they didn’t even need to, like it happens between siblings.

Shelby never had the connection she felt with Becca with Spencer or Melody, but perhaps that was because of their age gap. Every Goodkind had their life planned: she would be engaged to the Smith’s firstborn, Andrew, Spencer would take over the Goodkind estate as soon as their dad would pass away, and Melody would be free either to marry or to take the vows. « A nun is always useful in a family! » Dave would often say, trying to condition her, unironically.

What  _ was  _ ironic, is how Shelby ended up being the one taking the vows, but for a very different reason. If Shelby believed in God was a very hard question. What Shelby believed in was Satan: the existence of a Temptator, someone ready to drag her by the feet and burn her alive. That was what her household always taught her: yes, God was merciful and all that, but their focus had to always be guarded towards sins and temptations. They had to pay more attention to Satan, than to God, and when talking to God, always asking him to help their fight against Lucifer.

That was an image that never quite sat right with Shelby, because knowledge was God illuminating your intellect, and yet it was Lucifer, literally, the light bearer. Also, the fact that Satan was cast away from Heaven for being the most beautiful- no, for being disobedient towards God. But he was the most perfect amongst the angels, and that was another thing that gnawed at the back of Shelby’s mind quite often. As if it didn’t matter how perfect she could be, she could always fall. And she always had to avert her mind from the thought, because deep in her heart nested the conviction that fallen angels were more beautiful than the ones up in the sky, as they had everything, while fallen ones had broken wings and needed compassion. Why wasn’t God compassionate towards them?

Shelby knew she could only ask such questions to Becca, who would just shrug and tell her she worried too much, because if she dared ask her dad, God knows what he’d do. Shelby saw how overly-protective he turned towards curiosity about their principles. One had to accept it, because « It’s a matter of faith, not understanding. »

So Shelby forced herself to accept it, even when  _ it _ happened.

Shelby and Becca were thirteen, playing in Shelby’s room with some porcelain dolls, that were JoBeth’s, and some wooden ones, that were Becca’s mother’s. They had to be extra careful, so that they even ended up whispering, for some reason.

Shelby had been nurturing those thoughts for a while now. Because Peter said “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins”, and Shelby believed in it. She didn’t recognize her sins, as she strived for perfection, for being good for her dad and her mother and little Spencer and Melody. But if Shelby had sinned, she knew she just had to love. And she saw how her parents loved each other: with smiles, and kisses. She smiled at Becca often, unintentionally, so she had to love Becca — so she had to kiss her.

But it wasn’t a matter of duty. They were thirteen, playing with dolls, as Shelby let hers on the ground and leaned towards Becca. Becca’s lips felt as soft as Shelby imagined, and it was as sweet as she thought. It had all the load of affection she witnessed between her parents’ exchanges, but there was a new and exciting note to it, too.

Becca liked it too, because it became their new little game. They kept it a secret for being part of the game, as neither of them understood its implication. They would do it sometimes, and most of the time it was Shelby who felt the urge to steal a peak from Becca, while playing.

But as John said,  _ “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” _ .

And when her parents sat Shelby down for catechism hours, as it often happened, and they deemed her old enough to teach her about what sins consisted in, Shelby was thrilled, because she would finally understand how she might avoid them.

But they explained luxury to her, and what adultery consisted of, and Shelby understood she had sinned. And she stopped playing with Becca, because she had to guard herself against that sort of thing, for Shelby might not be certain about God’s existence, but she feared Satan. A deep, instinctual fear, one she knew she would never be able to get off her.   
And as she grew older, and found that she only felt same-sex attraction, she had to take the vows. Perhaps God would cure her, that way.

« _ Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. _ » 

**♰ day two**

Shelby despised Toni’s comments. She had been doing great for the past few years in the convent. She should have been able to take the solemn vows already, as it was way past two years she’d been there, but Mother Superior didn’t deem her ready yet. Perhaps being Toni’s guide would prove her faith, Shelby thought. Perhaps if Toni ended up taking the basic vows, God would help her then. A job for a job. She’d do one thing for Him, and he’d be forced to do one thing for her, right?

Still, Shelby despised Toni’s comments and witty remarks, as they sounded too much like the young Shelby. The happy Shelby, the careless and ruthless Shelby. The thirteen years old Shelby. The free Shelby. But freedom is a dangerous thing, a thing Shelby had been willing to give up, for her eternal salvation. It was selfish, and selfishness was a sin, but Shelby didn’t really care if Toni ended up burning in hell, for her attitude. It was her business, and Shelby’s was hard enough before her arrival.

Now she had to teach her how to make her bed, read the bible for her, work side by side with her, pray next to her, and it was too much. Because Toni _ didn’t get it _ . She’d say one word, as if that whole world was stupid, as if her experience as a homeless person was more worthy than Shelby’s life of striving. But no, Shelby knew that Toni simply hadn’t been enlightened by God’s intellect yet, and that was okay. It was yet another way to test Shelby’s patience and faith.

« Good Morning, Toni. » She told her, as she sat on her own bed, waiting for her to wake up. The only positive thing was the first days delay on nightly and early morning prayers — even if that left Shelby with her dreams, inappropriate dreams, sinful dreams.

And Shelby had spent too much time amongst older nuns not to catch on Toni’s neck, collarbone, jawline, cheekbones- or the way the sun reflected in her skin while working, on the little waves her hair did, or the wrinkle between her brows when listening to her reading.   
But no, Shelby couldn’t go there. So she’d sit in the dark, kneeling by her bed and pray.

Toni stretched, voice raspy from the waking up, which had Shelby grit her teeth a bit, because,  _ c’mon _ , « ‘morning. » 

Shelby patiently waited for her to fully sit up, dress, wash her face and make her bed.   
Once she was ready, Toni asked her, walking down the stairs: « What can I call you? Shelby? Sister? Sister Shelby? »

Shelby, being leading, allowed herself to roll her eyes. Other nuns called her sister Shelby, but said with that mocking tone, she would have rather just be called by her name. She kinda liked how Toni made it sound, in her mouth. As if it was familiar, as if they'd known each other for a lifetime, already.

« Just Shelby. »

Somehow they managed to be even later than the previous day, going straight for the field to start with the morning.

« So, what do we have to do today? » Asked Toni, clapping her hands together. It was weird seeing her this cheerful, but Shelby sensed she was mocking her instead.

Shelby shoved a watering can on her chest, walking towards the end of the courtyard to start with the watering.

She heard Toni muttering: « Alright, geez, Sister Shelby is a little pissed off today isn’t she. » To herself. Shelby would have scoffed, if she could. Sister Shelby. She told her what to call her already, so why wasn’t she respecting that? Why did she ask in the first place? Why was Toni  _ disobeying  _ her? No disobedient children were welcomed in the arms of God. How could Shelby work her way up to salvation, if it needed to pass through Toni’s conversion?

So Shelby closed her eyes for a moment, turned around and smiled at her. Fake as ever, an art she learned so well to master — even if lying was a sin, but it was for the greater good.

« You can call me Shelby, Toni. The vegetables need plenty of water, the ground needs to be soaked, while for the ornamental plants you just have to water until it looks a bit darker, and not a moment more, or they’ll drown. Alright? »

Toni just shrugged, turned around and started spreading water randomly, without a pattern. Shelby bit her tongue, to prevent from biting on that empty head of hers. « You can start from the borders so you’ll know what you’ve watered already. I’ll do that side and you’ll do this one. » She finished, stepping over the vegetable columns so that they would water facing each other.

Shelby added: « You can water the plantains too, passing by. »

She saw Toni blinking. « Why would I do that? »

« Because they’re living beings too. »

« Yeah but there’s only so much water, and they don’t serve a purpose. »

« Neither do we, but the Lord still grants us food and shelter, doesn’t He? » Shelby was content with her slipping a bit of Christianity in there. She didn’t stop to think if she believed that, if she believed in the world's contingency, and in Providence. She didn’t need to think. She accepted. A confession of faith — that Toni would do too, someday.

She heard Toni scoffing, as they moved along the vegetables, « It’s not “the Lord” who granted us food and shelter. People built this convent, and people are taking care of this food. »

Shelby didn’t answer, just smiling with that plastic smile of hers back to Toni, because she, more than anyone else, knew how illogical faith was. No, how faith escaped logic. It transcended human logic. That was how it needed to be put.

But Shelby still had to work through Toni, so she went for some small talk: « Did you know, there's plenty of passages from that Bible that talk about agriculture? Like the parable of the sower, or the darnel one. »

Toni looked up at her, and Shelby wished she kept her gaze on the flowing motion of the water, the reflex of the sun on it, falling on the leaves, because Toni’s eyes were stunning in the sunlight. She was wearing such an open expression, as if Shelby suddenly caught her attention, for some reason.

Shelby didn’t think about it, when she tried to hold on to the feeling, and asked her: « Do you know any of them? »

« No. » Was Toni’s fast reply. Then, a shy: « Would you, uhm, would you tell me one of them? »

Shelby nodded, « Sure. » And with that, she started with the sower one. How a man was walking down the street, and threw many seeds everywhere. Some fell on the path, and birds took them away, some on the rocky ground, and they withered, some between the thorns, choked by them, and some on the good soil.

« It’s a good story. » Toni just answers, nodding to herself, seconds later.

« Jesus explains its meaning, in Mark’s gospel. »

« And what does he say? »

Shelby smiles, knowing the passage by heart. It’s a vademecum for reading the bible, one of the first things she’d been taught. So Shelby explains how the birds are Satan, coming by and taking the word from them. The ones that wither, because the rocks don’t let them grow roots, are the ones who lose the word as soon as the world’s worries come. The thorns are the temptation, and the good soil is accepting the word and the word only.

What Shelby doesn’t expect, is Toni’s protests. « That’s bullshit. This means that only those who are already good can be saved. »

Shelby immediately recognizes it. That’s predestination, something she would have loved to ask many many times before. How come God knows everything, but humans have free will? How come God is merciful, but he chooses beforehand who will be saved and those who won’t? But many Fathers of the Church answered already. He’s not bound to time, so humans are still free. And because of their freedom, humans’ choice of whether to obey Him or not only depends exclusively on them.

« It doesn’t. The ground the seed finds isn’t the external world. The seed is the word, not you, and the ground is the disposition of your soul to listen. Even if you’re not the good one yet, you can become. » Shelby finished, by the book. She’s rehearsed it so many times, wishing it would be true, waiting for her time to be the good ground, that she’s lost count.

For some absurd reason she hoped Toni wouldn’t fall for it. And for some more absurd one, she wished Toni would answer back, prove her wrong, forcing her to doubt everything all over again. Shelby knew what she was hoping for. For Toni to pick her battles, her lost cause.   
So Shelby sighed, tightening her grip on the watering can and walked a little faster.

Toni was everything to watch, while she ate. She looked like a child, uncaring, stripped bare of all the social conventions and just left alone with her hunger and urge to be filled. It was even fascinating, in a sense, that sheer primitivity.   
Shelby was told many times how religion had always been a primitive instinct, a natural search for God, since the beginning of time. So how come Toni was that naturality, that purity, that original  _ matter _ of person, and yet she still resisted that supposedly natural urge?

It was just the second day, and Shelby kept feeling like a thirteen years old every passing second. As if she gave up fighting with herself, gave up fighting in general, somewhere along the way, and Toni was now forcing her to pick up the sword once again.

Except, Toni was proving to be harder to deal with than expected, as if that sword had to be pointed at her, instead of at herself.

« And all the days of Cainan were nine hundred and ten years, and he died. » Shelby read, as they continued with the Genesis.

Toni murmured to herself: « Sure thing he was. »

Shelby just proceeded, ignoring the comment. But when she read the Great Flood, and how “ _ For yet a while, and after seven days, I will rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights: and I will destroy every substance that I have made, from the face of the earth. _ ” Toni had something else to say.

« Surely those people who wrote the bible had a fucking vivid imagination. »

Shelby should have just kept going, because Toni would have eventually worn out and just shut up, but she couldn’t help herself. « You weren’t there, you can’t know if it was imagination. »

She glanced at Toni, and she shouldn’t have, because she saw her both confused and amused expression, as if she was telling Shelby that she was acting stupidly for reacting like that. But it wasn’t Shelby’s fault, was it? She was just defending her beliefs.

« You weren’t there either, so we might as well cut the crap. »

« Language. »

« It’s just words. »

« Foul words. »

« Random letters we gave foul meaning to. They’re not bad per se. »

« Still, you shouldn’t speak ‘em. »

« Or what,  _ Sister Shelby _ ? It will rain for forty days and forty nights? Has happened already, last autumn. »

That wasn’t the angle Shelby would have won Toni over. So she proceeded with the reading, while thinking about a new approach, in the back of her mind.

That night Shelby kneeled by the bed, asking the Lord to guard her sleep, and grant her a dreamless slumber.

« You’re asking the big daddy up there to help you with little work? » She heard Toni asking, and Shelby just kept staring at the wall before her, lips parted in an unimpressed smile. That woman thought she had no inner battles to fight, she thought being a nun was the easiest life one could carry. Shelby bit her tongue, because she couldn’t scare Toni and throw all her problems on her — not when one of her problems was Toni herself, her curly mane and her brown deep eyes, her overly defined lips and careless attitude. Shelby hated Toni for her disobedience, and Shelby hated herself for her attraction to it.

**♰ day three**

It was yet another morning, and Shelby hated Toni, she really did, even if there wasn’t supposed to be space for hate in her heart. Shelby knew the Father would forgive her some hate, if the alternative for it was  _ impure acting _ . Shelby hated Toni, but she was honest with herself, and she noticed how she had been waking up with a little more energy than usual, much like she did when she was a child, waiting to play with Becca. Perhaps it was anxious energy, the energy the Lord was gifting her to convert Toni — or perhaps it was the kind of energy that would have pushed Shelby in the arms of the Devil.

But seeing her waking up, with the sun rays on her olive skin and her chapped lips wetted by her tongue, her eyes slowly opening, squinting, rubbed by her knuckles like children do — it felt to Shelby as if she was watching anything but the Devil. But the Devil had been the prettiest of the angels, after all. The prettiest of them all.

« Good morning, Toni. » Shelby said, sitting a bit straighter, channeling her energy in how she was supposed to act.

« ‘morning Shelby. » Toni answered, with that voice as thick with sleep as always, but she looked at her, frowning and smiling, still in bed. So, so weird. “Shelby”, she called her. Not Sister Shelby, just — Shelby.

Shelby gulped and stood on her feet.

« I’ll wait for you outside. Hurry up. » Shelby heard Toni chuckling to herself, as she closed the door behind her back.

She pressed against it for a moment, taking a deep breath, eyes closed. She should have asked Mother Superior to change her pupil. She couldn’t do it. But then, where would she gain her salvation from? God was forcing her to face her sins in the most direct way possible.

When Toni got out of the room she took her sweet time, so that they skipped the first prayer that day too. Shelby felt as if Toni was doing that on purpose, but she didn’t ask. They had a few minutes until the rest would join them, so Shelby started walking outside already.

« What are we up to today, Sister Shelby? » 

« Milking. »

Turns out, the stable felt a little claustrophobic with just the two of them in. Shelby grabbed two stools and secured two sheep with ropes to the posts.

« How do you know what you have to do? » Toni asked her.

« There’s a weekly and seasonal schedule. You’ll learn it in a year or so. » Shelby glanced at Toni, because the implications were that she would stay with them for a year, and that hers and Shelby’s schedules would coincide.

Out of nowhere, Toni locked eyes with her, with the most serious face Shelby has seen on her in the past few days, and asked: « Will you teach me how to read? »

Shelby wasn’t stupid. Her first reaction was one of stupor, for Toni’s willingness, then one of flattering, for being chosen, and then of disappointment. That had to be Toni’s ticket out, wasn’t it? And if it was a ticket out, and Shelby’s salvation depended on Toni’s conversion, she needed to buy her with a ticket in.

« Perhaps. » She just said, because Shelby couldn’t deny it to her, but she could at least teach her through the Scriptures. Yes, that had to be the way, the key, the solution.

That settles, Shelby turned her attention back on the sheep, as she pulled the rope a little towards her, and put a bucket under it.

« Have you ever? » Shelby asked, as she rolled her sleeves, put an apron on and started working.

« Milked a sheep? Never had the pleasure, no. » Toni answered, tone dripping with irony.

« You need to close the top of the udder with the index and the thumb, squeeze with the rest and pull towards the ground. » Shelby glanced at Toni to make sure she understood, and found a vaguely disgusted expression on her.

« Doesn’t it hurt? » 

« The sheep? »

Toni hummed, and Shelby replied: « It hurts when they don’t get milked, because milk accumulates. »

From the corner of her eye, she saw Toni rolling her sleeves up as well, put the second apron and got closer to the sheep. Shelby noticed how Toni caressed its mantle before starting to work on the milk.

Shelby chuckled to herself, « It doesn’t need foreplay, Toni. »

Shelby didn’t miss how Toni seemed deeply surprised by her comment, and just went for it. « I’m still touching an animal’s boobs. Sorry for being a little romantic. »

Shelby pressed her lips together, to avoid laughing. Because in the lightness of the moment, it slipped past her how the Devil might have been the prettiest amongst the angels, but wasn’t half as caring as Toni seemed with that sheep. And Shelby never spoke directly to the Devil, but she wondered if they were half as funny as Toni had been, at that moment.

It was different from soiling or watering, because they were sitting and doing a monotonous job, alone, away from anyone’s ears or eyes. Toni must have thought the same, because she asked:

« Why are you here? »

Shelby understood straight away, a question she’d been asked many times. How come someone like her ended up being a nun. Still, she deflected: « Milking a sheep with you? »

« In a convent. »

« There needs to be a reason? »

« You tell me. Giving up your freedom f0r praying all day? Seems a bit extreme to me. »

« That’s because you don’t have faith- » Shelby replied, but she quickly added: « - _ yet _ . » because that was Shelby’s purpose now, apparently.

She heard Toni chuckling, and it was a nice sound, but that was perhaps Toni had such a nice voice. The sheep fretted under Shelby’s touch, as she pulled a bit too hard.

« Yeah, no, I don’t think I have it in me to “have faith”. » 

« Everyone can be saved. »

« From what? »

That was an excellent question. And because Shelby understood a bit of how Toni’s mind worked, in the past few days, she knew she couldn’t just reply with an abstract concept as the devil’s.

« Why do so many people believe in God, Toni? » Shelby asked instead. How Toni’s mind worked, from what Shelby could gather, was through experience and active learning. She was a bit defensive, and she had to find out things herself, rather than accept them dogmatically.

« Because it’s convenient, thinking that your happiness depends on someone else. Thinking that if you screw up, it’s because of temptation or whatever, and not because you’re an asshole. You give up credits to give up faults too. »

That was a narrow view, but it revealed much of why Toni kept that much resistance, in Shelby’s eyes.

« There’s still the fault of giving in to temptation. » Shelby replied, thinking back at her thirteen years old self.

« Yes, but there’s the forgiving god ready to make it look as if nothing happened. »

Shelby shook her head a little, a bitter taste in her mouth, « That’s really not how it works. » because if that was true, then Shelby had no faith at all. Just yet another tool for self-punishment.

« How does it work then, Shelby? Why are you here? » Toni asked again, dropping the work entirely, turning her torso to look at her.

« It’s really not your business. » And because it sounded harsher than Shelby intended to, she added, fake as she was used to: « Perhaps I’ll tell you, one day. » 


	3. day four and seven

Toni met Regan at the orphanage. She was fifteen, and the next year she’d be kicked out of there. Toni knew she was too old to be adopted, the only hopeful age window was from five to ten years olds, and she crossed it by a large gap. From five to ten years old she’d been a hopeful child, indeed: still angry, still full of energy, still unwilling to be pushed around by no one — but hopeful. When she turned eleven, that hopefulness started to fade, and as years passed by, Toni felt like dragging her feet in life, anger arising, the only way to let out her frustration out through venting on others.

But then she turned fifteen, and she should have been afraid, as that was supposed to be her last year with a secured shelter and food. But she hadn’t been afraid: she hadn’t had the time or the focus to be, because she met Regan. And Regan was everything, in Toni’s eyes.

Toni knew she didn’t like boys. Perhaps it was due to growing up in a girls-only environment for most of her life, or perhaps she was born with it, but late at night, when puberty left space for adolescence and her first fantasies took shape, it was never about boys. It was about that classmate, or the one a year older, and now it was about Regan.

But Regan felt the same, through her long eyelashes and doe eyes, and Toni didn’t feel afraid, or angry. She felt hopeful, in a more concrete and less naive way than her ten years old self.

Regan was adopted in the middle of winter, and everyone knew what that meant, to be taken away at that age.   
It was worse, worse than all the plans they had to run away and start a little farm together, or even become poor together if it didn’t work out. Because Toni realized that she was lucky, and Regan paid the price of her beauty with her body.

As days passed by, and Toni missed Regan, the guilt for not being the one taken away and the regret for not fleeing with her ate Toni alive, fueling her anger one more, and Toni realized explicitly for the first time — Toni hated the world she lived in.

**♰ day four**

« Yesterday you told me you’d teach me how to write. » Toni reminded Shelby, as she made her bed.

« I said that perhaps I would. »

Toni gritted her teeth. « Why wouldn’t you? »

She heard a pause, and as Toni put the pillow in place, she turned to face Shelby, who was sitting on her bed, hands conjunct on her lap. Watching, stoic, waiting.

Toni didn’t like her very much. She kept herself from saying that she hated her, because what Toni hated was the world, and the system, and the mentality, but not the people. The people’s compassion often saved her life, and she couldn’t just forget that. But what was Shelby waiting for, to teach her? Was it a tool to control her?

« There’s a schedule. We have things to do. »

« I could give up some praying for some teaching. »

« Well, you’re not the one to decide. »

« Of my own time? »

« Of mine too. » Shelby stood up, and took a step towards Toni. « Don’t forget you’re a guest here, as we’re taking care of you. »

Toni didn’t expect that. Because Shelby was many things, she learned during the past few days: she knew many things about the bible and theology, she could sing, she could write and read, she was a Goodkind. But Toni hadn’t expected her to be  _ like that _ .

« Trying to guilt-shame me or what, Sister Shelby? Very christian of you. »

« I’m merely reminding you not to be greedy. »

Toni clenched her jaw. « For trying to learn? »

«  _ “I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because You have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.”  _ » 

Toni felt her hands go itchy, as if ready to throw something. So, so familiar, and Shelby’s steady and somehow evil emerald eyes only made it worse. « Spare me. If I’m greedy for wanting to learn, then you’re greedy for wanting to be saved. »

« Whatever helps you sleep at night, Toni. » Shelby finished, turning on her heels, walking out of the room.

As soon as Shelby was out of sight, Toni turned around and threw the pillow on the ground, punching it, tearing it apart, biting on it with muffled screams.

When she calmed herself down, she joined the rest on the field.

There was tension. They had to retrieve the eggs the chickens made, that morning, and Toni’s heart was loud with the need to put as much space as she could between her and Shelby, while her head was empty from the exhaustion of that morning.

So that when Shelby called her again, gently shaking her shoulder, it took Toni a moment to register it.

« I said that we finished early. We have half an hour now. »

Toni just nodded, lips tight, fists clenched. She saw Shelby looking at her up and down, opening her mouth, looking around only for her to deliberate: « I can teach you something, in the meanwhile. »

Toni didn’t let herself relax, she didn’t let her guard down, thinking that Shelby might be one of the people who could save her. She belonged to the church, and for that, Toni had to keep her distance.

« These are the ways you write the alphabet. »

« Why are there three of them? »

« It depends what style you’re using. If you’re reading printed books, you’ll need the lower case most. Try writing it yourself now. »

Toni glanced at Shelby, as she took the quill pen from her hand. Shelby looked stern, serious, as if she was a whole other person completely. Distant, unreachable, as if she didn’t want to be there teaching Toni, or perhaps as if she regretted that morning’s exchange. It could be either thing, so different between them, and Toni felt uneasy at the sight.

She tried copying the letters on the sheet of paper Shelby gave her, one by one. It wasn’t that hard. And time flew by, ready for the third prayer of the morning, right before lunch.

Toni kept quieter than usual, as Shelby looked as if she took the vow of silence, she sat a bit straighter, as Shelby looked like a marble pillar, and she felt as if she was being punished, for some reason.

During the bible study hours, Toni focused on the printed letter on the big book, standing a bit closer to Shelby to see better, and every time she did, she registered how Shelby’s hand froze on the word she was keeping track of, as if suddenly losing focus, only to resume reading.   
Toni wondered how much privacy and space being a nun entailed, as if walking constantly in a bubble of with a one-meter repellent radius.

That evening, when they walked back in the room, the first thing Toni saw was Shelby stepping dead in her tracks. She glanced at the inside of the room and she found the pillow she broke. She urged towards it, knowing that if things worked slightly like they used to back in the orphanage, Toni had to pay for it.

« I’ll fix it. I just need a needle and a thread, I’ll fix it. » She said, kneeling by the pillow to try and put the feathers back inside of it.

Not hearing an answer, she looked upside, eyes trailing from Shelby’s shoes, to the hem of her gray habit, up to her face.

And this time, she looked so lost. As if someone took her by the shoulders and shook her.

« Shelby? »

« How do you do it? »

Toni put her hands on her knees to make leverage out of it and stand up, half pillow in each hand.

« Do what? »

« Never care for the consequences. »

Toni frowned, « I do care. I said I’ll fix it- »

« You shouldn’t have to fix it, if you didn’t break it in the first place. »

« Yes, I know that, thank you very much. »

« It’s better to be safe than sorry. »

« Does that come from the bible too? »

Only then Shelby lifted her gaze from the pillow to her eyes.

Toni felt like losing her breath, as if Shelby was ready to leave her behind, and Toni didn’t have a clue of what that meant for herself.

Shelby turned around, and kneeled before her bed.

Toni walked to the little nightstand she had and sat on the floor, legs crossed, taking the piece of paper from the inner pocket she stuffed it in. She looked at the alphabet, trying to remember what each word stood for.

After a few minutes, she heard shuffling behind her, and Toni knew that Shelby had to be done with her prayer.

« What are you doing? » She heard her ask.

« Revising. »

She saw Shelby hovering on her, towering from her standing up position, the empty middle of the room between them.

The next day and the following one, they worked together too, not exchanging a word. Toni scooted closer with her chair, during bible study. Shelby looked at her that evening, while Toni repeated the new things Shelby taught her.

**♰ day seven**

It’s Sunday. It’s Sunday and the sun is high in the sky. It’s Sunday, the sun is high in the sky and there’s no work to do today.

« There’s no work? No bible studying? »

« It’s actually called ‘ _ scrutatio _ ’, but no, no work and no scrutatio today. It’s the Lord’s day. »

« I thought every day was the lord’s day. Didn’t he make them all? »

Toni and Shelby were walking down the stairs, and as Toni asked what they had to do today, Shelby just replied that it was their rest day.

So now they had some free time to read or talk to each other, until they would have to attend the church’s service.

« Will you be singing? » Toni asked her, as they sat by the big table, not even thinking about the action.

« All of us are supposed to sing. »

Toni nodded to herself, for some reason pleased with the answer. And she found herself even more pleased, when Shelby took the quill from the table’s drawer and placed it in front of her.

« I’ll dictate you some sentences today. »

Toni looked at her for a moment. She didn’t question Shelby’s change of mind three days prior, fearing that she’d lose the privilege Shelby was giving her. Yet, Shelby looked more and more inclined to teach her as every day went by, and now that Toni had the basics for understanding, she just needed practice.

So she asked: « Why are you helping me, now? »

Shelby slightly shook her head, and pointed at the sheet of paper. «  _ “And he shall be like a tree which is planted near the running waters, which shall bring forth its fruit, in due season. And his leaf shall not fall off: and all whatsoever he shall do shall prosper.” _ » 

Toni started scribbling down, as Shelby repeated more slowly word by word.

«  _ “Not so the wicked, not so: but like the dust, which the wind driveth from the face of the earth.” _ » 

Toni knew that wasn’t bible study, or whatever its latin name was, but she couldn’t help commenting: « Didn’t god say something else about dust? That we will become dust nonetheless? »

Shelby supplied for her: « It’s Genesis 3,19. “ _ For you are dust, and to dust you shall return. _ ” »

« Exactly. So all of us are wicked? » 

Toni looked at Shelby carefully, as she tried to small-talk, instead of question Shelby’s beliefs. But they had nothing in common, no middle-ground, so all Toni could do was talk about the dangerous territory that was the bible, hoping to convey neutrality with her tone.

Shelby seemed to pick on that, because upon a moment of scrutiny over Toni’s features, she answered, without anger nor malice: « Maimonides, that was a Hebrew, wrote a book about these apparent contradictions. It’s called “ _ The Guide for the Perplexed _ ”, as the perplexed are those who know the Scriptures, and find contradictions in it. »

Shelby caught her curiosity, and yet another time, Toni was impressed by her knowledge. « Maimonides says that one shouldn’t take Scriptures literally, because they’ve been written by men, albeit under the Spirit’s dictation. So the contradictions lie in the language, not in the content of what is proclaimed. »

« And how does the dust thing is explained, then? »

« In Genesis, what God means is that humans’ life is limited, and just like their body is born, it shall die, so one shouldn’t seek for material treasures. But their soul is immortal, and God has the power to make their bodies resurrect too — so one has to be humble and trust God. While the Psalms use it as a metaphor: a tree is steady on its roots, while dust follows the wind. Wickeds don’t know what is right and what is wrong, and follow what others tell them, while men who follow God have discernment. »

Toni bit her lip, pensive, looking at the sentence she wrote and at the words Shelby told her. She was conflicted between following the topic, and just letting it go, because she didn’t want to ruin everything. Shelby’s words still lingered in her mind, for “it’s better to be safe than sorry” — and because of it, Toni lifted her hand to reach for the quill once more, when Shelby spoke as if she read her mind:

« You’re allowed to answer, Toni. »

Toni’s eyes found Shelby’s, and they found them so deep, as if Shelby was trying to dig down deep in her, and Toni suddenly thought back at Regan, for some reason. She felt a shiver run down her spine, she frowned, and she put the pen back down.

« I mean, both the wicked and the man who follows god still follow someone else. The wicked follow what they’ve learned up to that point, with their own sense of what is right and what is wrong, while the man who follows god uses someone else’s parameter, created in a different place, in a different time, from different people. Doesn’t civility progress too? The fact that the gospel is way more modern than the old testament is proof of that, isn’t it? »

Toni looked carefully for Shelby’s reaction, because she didn’t want her to think she was saying Shelby didn’t have a sense of justice. Still, he couldn’t help forget what a christian-based organization let happen to Regan.

« I guess it could be an explanation. » Shelby settled for, in the end, with a small and quick smile of courtesy.

Still, it felt like a victory to Toni. For learning, for the little debate, for having a civil conversation with her.

That afternoon Toni got to hang out with the rest of the girls in the courtyard’s benches, as it was a sunny day.

« I can’t wait to steal one of those obnoxious cruces and be done with this bullshit. » commented Fatin, eyes closed against the sun.

« How would you carry it? » asked Dot.

«  _ You _ ’ll carry it, it was implicit. »

« I’ll already have my own to carry. »

« Are we planning a mass-robbery right now? » Chimed in Nora.

« Count me the fuck in. » Just said Rachel, lips curled downwards, as if she couldn’t take it anymore.

Surprisingly, it was Toni herself who said: « It’s not  _ that  _ bad. »

« Yeah, well, not to be rude but your standards were pretty low. » Said Leah.

Toni just glared at her, because as true as she was, Leah was in no better position than herself.

« Besides, you got Sister Shelby as your guide. » Martha added, as if she knew her, and as if that changed anything.

« What do you mean? »

Fatin started chuckling to herself, « You know what that means. So, how is she in bed? »

Toni couldn’t even begin to associate the two things, so she just laughed and shook her head, « You’re so stupid, you don’t know what you’re talking about. »

But Toni thought about it, after that. And if she, on a subconscious level, thought about it before that talk, now it sure was explicit in her mind.

Once in their room, that evening, Toni noticed steam coming from their little bathroom. She waited for Shelby to get out of it, to ask her what was happening.

« It’s Sunday. It means bath time. » She answered quickly, as if Toni was supposed to know — as if Toni was  _ used  _ to taking baths. That was a luxury for her, who had to get her hygiene by asking to use the parish’s bathroom more often than she’d intended to.

« Do you want to go first? » Shelby asked her, and as sweet as it sounded, Toni knew Shelby had to be overly cleaner, for taking regular baths, so it was smarter to let her go first.

That was when Fatin’s comment resurfaced with full force. When Shelby took off her veil, and long blonde hair was let loose, and the buttons of the habits started to come undone, one sleeve off, the sight of a shoulder — that Toni averted her gaze.

She recognized the feeling. The beating in her heart, the dry throat, the salivating mouth, the little shivering. Feeling of desire and prohibition. The longing for something forbidden. Eve and the apple, Cain and his jealousy. Babylon, wanting to know every language. God himself, for he shall be your only god. And temptation. The snake — and much like a snake, Toni felt like she could crush something between her hands, to channel some of that energy, could bite something to let some of her venom loose.

She shouldn’t have, but she looked back at it, and she found Shelby’s green eyes staring back at her. She felt like when she got caught in bed with Regan, in the morning, or before that, when she was caught hiding a cookie in her sleeve, because she knew she’d get hungry later. She felt her heart in her throat, throbbing painfully, but as soon as it started, it was over. Shelby’s unreadable expression behind the bathroom door, her naked body following, the habit and undergarments on the floor.


	4. day twelve and fifteen

Shelby found herself constantly questioning the image she crafted in her mind of what Toni stood for. At first she was the homeless person she had to help. Then it was the careless person who hadn’t listened to Mother Gretchen, and who didn’t stick to the vow of silence. Then it was the one who helped on the field, but didn’t have any method, and had to be led through every little step. Then it was the one who kept questioning every little thing God said through the Scriptures. Then it was the one who treated that sheep so gently. The one who seemed so determined to learn, learn,  _ learn _ , and never walked away from a discussion — not like Shelby did.

Then it was the one who stripped in front of her to take her first bath there. The one who lightly squeaked for the hotness of the water, as Shelby heard from the bedroom — and the one who quietly muttered «  _ Fuck!  _ » under her breath. The one who later looked embarrassed, and told Shelby she couldn’t remember the last time the water wasn’t freezing, not even back when she was a child, and perhaps that was her actual first hot bath. Toni told her she felt like melting with it, like she could fall asleep right then, and Shelby found herself smiling at the confession.

It was the one who gained her method through working. Collecting the chickens’ eggs in order, cleaning the donkeys’ hooves from the inside and out, following a pattern while watering the plants, checking if the tubers were ripe before picking them. A fast learner, attentive, ready to do better.

It was the one who stopped being so defensive while talking about God, allowing space for doubt, not seeing Him as just a concept, but pondering what if He truly existed. Shelby wanted to tease her, to take credit for Toni’s changes, but truly Shelby was just witnessing the woman blossom before her. She was just given a chance, and Toni was taking it with both hands.

Shelby found herself constantly questioning the image she crafted in her mind of what Toni stood for, and even more so, when they started talking to each other, in the nights.

**♰ day twelve**

« How long are you gonna be my guide? » was what Toni asked her that night, laying with her back on her back, one arm swinging down to brush the floor with her knuckles.

Shelby was standing up from her praying position, already in her nightgown, prepared to get in bed.

« Mother Gretchen said for as long as it’s necessary. » Shelby shortly answered, not understanding Toni’s urgency. They weren’t fighting half as much as the first few days, and to Shelby, it looked like Toni had nothing to complain about. Still, the question stung a little. Not that Shelby was there to make friends.

« As if that was an answer at all. » Shelby heard Toni mutter to herself, and again, the unpleasantness of her tone made Shelby bite her lip in a hint of anger, as if she could turn around, grab Toni by the shoulders, and ask her if she’d really rather stay alone. Toni didn’t know what it was like to  _ be  _ alone. Not to  _ live  _ alone, because Shelby had lived many years amongst other nuns by now. But to be in that constant state of hermitage, brushing loneliness. For being a homeless person, Shelby felt that Toni was quite spoiled, under that light. Surrounded by people, by friends. Shelby had no such thing. Not since Becca — one single wicked friendship, a friendship Shelby blamed everything on.

« What’s up with the ‘mothers’ and ‘sisters’ thing anyway? It’s a bit… »

« A bit what? »

« I don’t know, a bit weird? How do you all call your actual mothers and sisters? »

Because Toni had that way with small talking, as if she despised silence, Shelby knew that if she avoided answering, Toni would just make another question. So she did, and said: « I wouldn’t know. »

Toni just quietly replied: « I’m sorry. » and Shelby felt compelled to clarify: « It’s not like they’re dead or anything. I just haven’t spoken to them ever since I took the vows. »

They were quiet for a moment, the candlelight flickering from time to time, projecting shadows on the ceiling. Shelby saw how Toni was still over the covers, so she slipped under them, figuring it would be Toni, later, who would blow on the candle.

« What do the vows consist of? »

« The basic ones? »

« The ones you have. »

« So the basic ones. » And Shelby shouldn’t have, because she wasn’t trying to befriend Toni, she just needed to teach her and be a guide for her, to gain her spot in Heaven,  _ despite everything _ . Still, she blurted out: « Why, thinking about taking them? »

Toni chuckled, and the atmosphere was so easy and so light that Shelby wished it would never end. « Nah, I’m good thanks. »

Lost in the sound, Shelby forgot the question, and it was Toni’s « So, what can’t you do now that you’re a nun? » who brought her back on track.

Shelby didn’t need to think twice, knowing them by heart. « It depends on the order you become part of. I took the vow of obedience, poverty and chastity, which are the basic and common vows amongst all nuns. »

« How long have you been a nun? »

« Four years, next month. »

« Happy anniversary then. »

It was something private, it was Shelby’s whole life, and yet she didn’t feel offended by Toni’s joke. She smiled to herself, thinking that it would be, indeed, a happy anniversary that year.

« Do you plan on taking some more vows? »

Shelby found herself laughing at that, « It’s not like going to the market, Toni. I should have been promoted two years ago, but Mother Gretchen says I’m not ready yet. »

« What did you do, flunk bible study? You’re pretty prepared if you ask me. »

Shelby huffed a laugh, amused and flattered, as she never thought she’d have that conversation in that way, ever in her life. A conversation on how she seemed to not be making right the only thing she was supposed to, her last chance at being good enough, while laughing and joking about it. It was liberating, and it was everything Shelby could ask for. Breathing, for a few minutes, before diving back in, the very next day.   
« I don’t know what the criteria are, actually. »

« Perhaps she’s just afraid you’ll steal her job. »

Shelby chuckled, and it felt like a continuum, as funny as Toni’s inexperience with the whole field was. Because there was no such thing as a job to be stolen, but Shelby didn’t point that out. She lingered on the feeling, that feeling of not being good enough but not needing to tear her clothes apart for it. Because perhaps Toni hadn’t been good enough too, but she was  _ handling _ it well enough. As if it didn’t matter all that much. As if humans’ contingency was something Toni lived through, even if she didn’t get it, while Shelby could outline all its conceptual implication, not being able to picture how to  _ live  _ it.

« I used to play a game back in the orphanage, » Toni started, taking Shelby by surprise, since she rarely talked about that, and even more rarely she started a conversation without a question or a teasing.

« Where this other girl and I would trade questions back and forth. Like, curiosities we had about the other one, but didn’t have the guts to just ask them. So we used the game as an excuse, and, yeah. That’s it. So you wanna play? »

It was a peculiar thing to witness, cute even, how Toni took her sweet time to explain it. As if she was apologizing for it, for some reason. Shelby just hummed, « Do you want to go first? »

« Why would I? »

« You suggested it. I figured you already have a question. »

And Toni did, apparently, because she straight up asked: « What about the chastity one. Like, do you stick to it? Do they only take virgins to be nuns? »

That way Toni spoke her mind with no reservations was something that always felt abrasive since day one, and more so in that particular moment. « Widows can become nuns too, so I guess they don’t. »

A moment of silence passed, and Toni commented: « You only answered half of the question. »

« It’s just a game. I don’t have to answer everything. » For some reason, Shelby felt herself on the toes, wide awake. The previous light mood somewhat shifted.

« It’s just the first question. It’s okay if you’re not. Sticking to it, I mean. I’m certainly the last person who’d judge you here. »

Shelby tried sticking to it, and she had no reason to keep it to herself. Because she was supposed to guide Toni, to set the right example, and yet she felt ashamed of that. As if, telling Toni that she kept chaste, she’d  _ lose  _ something.

And Shelby fucking hated how she knew herself so well to know what she was afraid of losing. An occasion. A ticket out, the ticket out that Toni, with her freedom and careless attitude was.

Shelby felt her body go rigid, stilled herself, muscles tense, eyes closed. She didn’t know if Toni was watching her, if her reaction was visible.

« I have a question. » She said, instead of answering. Such a coward. Shelby knew that it would have a consequence, as everything did, in God’s eyes. In Satan’s eyes. How she kept one foot in two shoes, ready to throw herself in- in anyone else’s arms at the first chance.

Not  _ anyone  _ — but she wouldn’t go there. Tender and gentle and kind. Sheep. Hard worker. Learn, learn, learn. “ _ I’m the last person who’d judge you here. _ ”

« Shoot it. » Toni answered, and in a single second, with her single answer, Shelby was dragged back to earth.

« What’s the thing you desire the most? »

Shelby almost heard Toni thinking, between her murmuring and her breaths, her « Well, » and her « Such a broad question you threw there for a game, Sis. » 

But Toni answered, nonetheless: « It sounds like a circular thing, I’m sorry for that, but perhaps it’s to desire something. »

Shelby’s eyes moved to Toni’s figure, finding her laying on her side, full attention on Shelby. She hadn’t expected to find her like that, but now her gaze was magnetically fixed on her, as she looked, waiting, expecting her to continue.

Toni did: « I wish I had something that I’d rather die than live without. I’ve lived with and without things, and there’s not that much of a difference. It’s not in the  _ things _ , if you know what I mean. »

Shelby knew what she meant. She knew it like the back of her hands, since it was the exact reverse thing than what Shelby wished for. Because Shelby would have given everything she had  _ not  _ to desire what she desired. Not to desire tender touches and soft full lips, not to desire what she did ever since she was thirteen years old, and perhaps even younger than that. Because it was precisely that what got her to take her vows in the first place: the conviction that God would cleanse her from those sinful desires. Would make her holy apathetic, just like saints and martyrs were, and Shelby would be safe from the Devil.

But now Toni was telling her  _ that _ , throwing everything upside down in Shelby’s life, much like she did ever since she came to the convent.

Shelby just asked with a thread of voice: « Why? »

Toni looked confused. « What do you mean why? Because it’s what makes us humans. Your desire for, I don’t know what it is, being good for God? I don’t understand it but you’re so passionate about it, that I’m jealous. »

Shelby burst out laughing, of a hysterical laugh, an ironic laugh, a laugh of disbelief. « You’re jealous? Of  _ me _ ? »

« Shouldn’t you tell me that I better be, because it’s the sign of my conversion or whatever? Yes,  _ Shelby _ , I’m jealous that you have a thing you’d die for. »

It was true, though, because Shelby had a thing she’d die for. But it wasn’t “being good for God”, not at all. God was her safeline to not die for _ that thing _ , instead.

So Shelby rolled on her back, and sighed.

« Uhm, it’s my turn. » Toni said, after a moment of silence, and Shelby could cut her discomfort with a knife. « Why did you become a nun? Like, why didn’t you marry? »

Shelby opened her mouth in a silent open smile, hoping someone would rescue her for having to answer that. « Do I get another pass? »

« It’s either this or the chastity question. Your choice. »

Shelby didn’t have to think about it.

« I try sticking to it. It’s been a long time since the last time I, » she cleared her throat, huffing a laugh, because that was an embarrassing thing to admit, « I touched myself. »

She felt Toni’s eyes on her, and a moment of silence passed, before Toni asked, just above a whisper, with the sacred and worshipping tone she should have had during service. It made Shelby shiver. « How long? »

Shelby opened her mouth, so very ready to answer, but then closed it, opened it again, and closed it once more. Because- why was Toni asking? She turned around, and the room was only so big, so that despite the tiredness of her eyes after the long day in the sun, and the unstable candlelight, she made out Toni’s expression very clearly. An open expression, the expression you’d see on a child seeing an alchemist for the first time, turning a white rose into a blue one, petals slowly changing colour through their veins.

And, again, Shelby felt a shiver run her spine. She closed her eyes.

« Blow on the candle. » She turned around, her back facing Toni. « Good night. »

**♰ day thirteen**

They spent their day in relative awkwardness, with the kind of tension that lingered after a too intense fight, before either of them was ready to let it go and offer an olive branch to the other.

But they didn’t fight, and Shelby found it harder and harder to keep her eyes to herself, while working.

They were on cleaning duty that day, so that Shelby was scrubbing plates with a sponge, half a lemon, vinegar and soap, while Toni was rinsing and putting them away, right after lunch.

After Shelby explained what they had to do and filled the bucket with water, Toni asked: « Why the lemon and vinegar? »

« They’re degreasers. »

« We never eat greasy food. »

Shelby just shrugged, because she was told to clean that way, and that was how she was going to clean that day too.

Side by side, she saw Toni swinging on her feet, waiting through plates and crockery.

« So… » Toni started, « I didn’t mean to make things awkward, yesterday. »

Shelby just nodded, very ready to drop the topic. « It’s okay. »

« Cool. » Some more beats of silence passed, before Toni said again: « What did Gretchen mean when she said ‘as long as it’s necessary?’ »

Shelby understood she referred for how long Shelby would be her guide, and again, she felt that light stinging of disappointment and betrayal. Shelby was doing her best, and Toni should have felt thankful to be assigned to her, right? Shelby couldn’t bear the idea that not even Toni, or not precisely Toni, could stand her presence. She had no idea why — she wouldn’t think about it. But what did Shelby do wrong? It shouldn’t have mattered.

« Shelby? »

Shelby glanced briefly at Toni, scrubbing a pot, elbow-deep in it. « Until you take your vows, I guess. »

« I thought that was optional. »

« It is. »

« I don’t get it. »

And, again, it shouldn’t have mattered to Shelby, but she didn’t resist answering: « I don’t get it either. What did I do? »

Shelby turned her attention back on the pot, scrubbing with a bit more force, channeling her violence in the action, « Because I’ve tried my best, Toni. To teach you even what I wasn’t supposed to be. To answer your questions, to listen to you. So I don’t get it. »

« What does that have to do with anything? »

Shelby dropped the sponge in the pot, turning towards her. « Why do you want to leave so bad? I’ve been nothing but good to you. »

Shelby knew how she must have sounded, from the outside. Desperate. Overreacting. But it wasn’t just that — it was abandonment, it was losing the first breath of air she had in four years, no, the first breath of air she had ever since she lost Becca, her first breath of air in more than a decade.

« I just asked a question. You’re making all this up. » Toni simply answered, distancing, closing in herself, defensive. Shelby read that tone all too well.

She screwed up, didn’t she? She scared Toni with her craziness.

Shelby bit her lip, hoping her lucid eyes would stay that, and wouldn’t spill a thing.

That night they didn’t talk to each other.

**♰ day fifteen**

« “ _ And the blood shall be unto you for a sign in the houses where you shall be; and I shall see the blood, and shall pass over you; and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I shall strike the land of Egypt.” _ » 

« That’s so stupid. »

They were in yet another Bible study session, in the Exodus passage before the last plague of Egypt: the one where every male firstborn would die in the night.

« Pardon? » The past two days had been quite tense, filled with courtesy and distance, as if they were suddenly strangers. Thinking about it, Shelby considered that perhaps they were. They’ve known each other for two weeks — that was hardly a friendship. Yet, the idea that Shelby managed to screw it all up already made her feel so disappointed in herself, so stupid, so regretful.

« So if I draw on my house with some blood I get a free pass, despite the kind of person I am, just because I’m in the cult that passed me that information? What about all the good Egyptians? »

« They were under the Pharaoh's influence. It’s his fault. »

« The Pharaoh didn’t tell god to kill thousands of children. It’s god’s fault. »

Shelby blinked. She should have been used to Toni’s harsh stances on religion and theology, but every time felt like the first time for Shelby. With such open accusations, simple arguments, as if one truly had to stop thinking in order to have faith.

But that was exactly what Shelby’s father told her. It’s not a matter of thinking, it’s a matter of faith. “ _ I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. _ ”

« God doesn’t make mistakes. Those who died, deserved it. »

She saw Toni’s brows raising, « Even little children? »

Shelby found herself nodding. Because God is perfect, how could He make such a big mistake?

Toni sighed, and leaned back on the wooden table, as per usual. Defeated, or perhaps disappointed, and Shelby absolutely hated the urge she felt to take everything back, just to please her.

« Go on. » 

That night Toni brought that up.

« You’re smart, Shelby, I’ve seen that. Tell me you don’t believe that what’s written in the bible has any sense. »

Shelby was on her knees, once again, but as it often happened, she wasn’t praying. Her mind was wandering, daydreaming, going through the day.

Still with her back on Toni, she answered: « It’s not about being smart. It’s about- »

« -having faith, sure, but it sounds a bit self-evident. I tell you some bullshit but I forbid you to use the only tool you have to spot that it’s bullshit. »

Shelby considered it for a moment. She shrugged. « It’s how it works. »

She heard Toni sigh, once again, and once again, Shelby felt that horrible sensation. So she asked: « Why are you so fixated on making me lose my faith? »

There, she said it. Something that had been nesting in the back of her mind for longer than two weeks now. Because Toni was a temptation: with her body, her looks, her arguments, her brilliant mind, her gentle ways. And the last aspect was the deadliest: the illusion that Shelby could be  _ happy  _ with her. Happy and safe.   
She squeezed her own hands, still kneeling, still looking at the wall before her.

Toni scoffed, « I’m so fixated- that’s rich, coming from a convent that wants me to take vows I don’t believe in, and is keeping me alive  _ just  _ for that. »

« It’s keeping you alive because that’s what the Lord us told us to do.  _ “Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me.” _ » Shelby never understood the rest of the verse.  _ “For it is the one who is least among you all who is the greatest.” _ That didn’t make any sense in her ears — so she didn’t recite that out loud. There was no space to be the least, one had to strive for greatness. So why writing that down?

« So it’s convenient. Not because you think it’s something good to do, but because someone else told you to. » Toni’s tone was contemptuous, but Shelby didn’t find in herself to fight her.

So, defeated, she just answered with a sigh: « Yeah. Perhaps that’s the case. »

She stood up, turned around, to find Toni sitting on her bed, hand in hand, looking up at her in disbelief. « That’s all you got? ‘Perhaps that’s the case’? What the fuck, Shelby? »

« What do you want from me, Toni? What? »

At that, Toni stood up as well, and Shelby found herself taking a step back.

« What was the scene you threw the other day in the kitchen? »

Shelby had no idea what that had anything to do with what they were talking about, but she could tell things shifted ever since. As if Toni had been thinking about it ever since.

« What do you mean? »

Toni held her hands in mid-air, as if asking God to give her the answers Shelby couldn’t provide. But she was Toni, and Shelby knew she’d rather hunt for those answers herself.

« I asked you one simple question, and you panicked. »

« Do you want me to apologize? »

« No, fuck, that’s not what I’m asking. » Toni sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes, looked at her feet. As if talking to a child, as if re-arranging her thoughts. She re-emerged: « I know you’ve been good to me. Teaching me and everything. I’m- I’m thankful for that, Shelby, I really am. I’m glad it’s you the one I got assigned to- »

Shelby shouldn’t have.

She shouldn’t have, that was the one thing Shelby was sure of.

But she did.

And as her lips stopped Toni’s explanation, for as thirsty for the reasons behind Toni’s reasons Shelby was, she couldn’t stop herself. Because if God had killed so many children, He sure should forgive her that one kiss.

And Toni’s hand grabbed the back of Shelby’s head, the other one Shelby’s elbow, as Shelby held on Toni’s cheek and neck, pulling, pressing, opening, licking and biting. Because it had been so long, and Shelby had been daydreaming about it for so long, that she didn’t want it to end. Because it couldn’t happen again, so that one time, that first and last time, had to last Shelby for the rest of her life.

Desperate. Hungry.  _ Lost _ , holding on Toni, who slowed the kiss. And held her by the small of her back, and passed a thumb on Shelby’s cheek, when the kiss started to taste a bit too salty.

One kiss. One intake of breath, and Shelby would dive back in. She kept chanting that in her head, and before she knew, before she wanted the kiss to end, her own sobbing forced her to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i find shelby's pov harder to write, but it's way more satisfying during proof-reading.


	5. day twenty one and losing count

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: very light self-harm. no blood, no pointy objects. (just because this fic wasn't getting dark enough with all the internalized homophobia)  
> \+ implicit smut towards the end

Toni found herself constantly discovering new things about Shelby. The first thing Toni noticed, a little longer than two weeks ago, was Shelby’s face. Flawless skin, perfect nose, full lips, big green eyes. She looked calm, she looked collected, she looked like she had her whole world in her fist. Everything Toni wasn’t, and perhaps it was the contrast, but she felt instantly attracted to her.

That very first night she learned that Shelby was an actual nun, who took it seriously. And because of that, Toni tried to erase her attraction to Shelby’s looks, to remind herself of her stances, of the fact that she was married to Jesus or whatever.

The next day she learned she was a hard worker: quick, methodical and precise. That afternoon she learned she was acculturated, smart, and  _ insufferable _ . Brainwashed to a level that didn’t sound right to Toni, as if someone pushed dogmas in her head, locked it and ingested the key. Shelby proved to be stubborn, repeating the same things over and over again, retracting in the way too safe “it’s a matter of faith”. Toni hated that, but she wouldn’t go as far as saying that she hated _ her _ .

Because they still laughed, from time to time. From fights to bickerings, from arguments to teasing. It wasn’t steady, it was messy and Toni never knew what mood she’d find Shelby in.

Then they played that game, that stupid game that Toni almost regretted suggesting —  _ almost, _ because she was still attracted to Shelby’s looks, but on top of that, something started to shift, between jocking and teasing her — they played it and Toni kept replaying it in her head. That “goodnight”, quick and short, said nothing and everything at the same time. Revealing and concealing, and for some reason, Toni felt like starving for the answer. But she respected Shelby’s silence.

She respected it so much that she tried to apologize, the next day, in the kitchen. Then Shelby reacted in that unpredictable way, and Toni had no idea how to handle that — so she didn’t.

Toni felt so bad for the rest of the day. So bad for not being able to clear the misunderstanding right there, and she felt so bad for having no clue as to why Shelby reacted the way she did. So defensive, so jumpy, so  _ scared _ .

But Toni asked how long she’d have Shelby by her side for the opposite reasons Shelby thought of. Not because she wanted her gone, but because she feared she’d be dragged somewhere before she could say goodbye, now that their fights inclined towards joking and teasing, and something  _ shifted _ .

That shift became a one-eighty, that night.

**♰ day fifteen**

« Do you want me to apologize? »

« No, fuck, that’s not what I’m asking. » Toni sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes, looked at her feet. Because she was exasperated. Because she had no idea how to tell Shely that she only asked to know how much time she had left to be in her company: a company she treasured like a gift, a gift she didn’t ask for and didn’t even deserve, for that matter.

And because she had no idea how to say it, she just blindly started: « I know you’ve been good to me. Teaching me and everything. I’m- » She felt overwhelmed, actually, and confused as to why Shelby changed her mind like that. She felt so grateful that she’d do anything Shelby would ask her, for Shelby was gifting her with the only thing that would set her free — all that bible studying was intruding in her thoughts too — that was knowledge. « I’m thankful for that, Shelby, I really am. I’m glad it’s you the one I got assigned to- »

Toni didn’t get to end that. She was thankful for that too, because she didn’t know where she’d end. She’d bring Regan up, she knew, and she’d tell Shelby that she admired her. For everything she left behind, for how fiercely she fought her own mind, in a way she never admired anyone else before. And she’d tell her she was stunning too, not that it mattered, but if Toni had to picture angels, they would look a bit like her. It wasn’t that dramatic, because Toni didn’t even believe angels existed, but it expressed well enough how Toni felt about Shelby’s appearance. And she looked even more beautiful up close, now that she got to meet her, and got to associate that pretty face with the beautiful person lying within.

Shelby kissed her. That was the very last thing Toni would have expected. Toni daydreamed about it a bit too often, because she was sure nothing would ever happen between her and Shelby. She was a nun, and they didn’t share one single value, so Toni would have been better off avoiding all those unreachable fantasies. Toni’s hand grabbed the back of Shelby’s head, the other one Shelby’s elbow, as Shelby held on Toni’s cheek and neck, pulling, pressing, opening, licking and biting. And because Toni had been alone most of her life, and because she’d been burned by how things ended abruptly between her and Regan, and because Shelby felt exactly like what Toni knew she could desire, Toni answered the kiss. But Shelby felt desperate against her lips, in the way her hands held onto Toni’s body, in the way her teeth grabbed Toni’s lips,  _ famished _ . So Toni slowed the kiss, because Shelby wasn’t the next girl at the orphanage, or one of Fatin’s colleagues who looked for a recharge. Shelby had such integrity, and held so much undisclosed hurt in her eyes, that Toni wouldn’t let her get lost in her own desperation. So she held her by the small of her back, and passed a thumb on Shelby’s cheek, when the kiss started to taste a bit too salty. Shelby’s hurting, wherever that came from, spilled a little from her eyes, and Toni felt something break within her. She didn’t want to assume, Toni didn’t have the mental faculties at that moment, but if Shelby’s kiss came from a place of  _ desire _ , then it was messy. Shelby’s vows, her faith, her desires. Toni’s  _ availability  _ for her. It was messy, and it got messier through Shelby’s sobs, and how she started to shake, eyes shut, teeth biting her own lips, face distorted in pain. As if what she just did physically pained her.

Toni kept holding her, as the hands on her back ran up to her blades, rocking her, as Shelby held on the front of Toni’s nightgown. Toni was grateful for what Regan taught her, when Toni would fall in one of her anger strikes and cry after, helpless and useless, she would hold her and whisper calming things to her.

But Toni didn’t find any soft word in her, as they all sounded empty. Because no, it wasn’t okay, if Shelby was crying, and how could Toni know if it was going to be okay? So she just held Shelby, until she calmed her breaths, relaxed her muscles, and just leaned into Toni.

Minutes passed like that, until Toni heard Shelby sighing, and her muffled voice came against her fabric, warming the spot on Toni’s collarbone: « I’m sorry. »

« I was just telling you why you don’t need to apologize. » Toni tried with some humor, but Shelby didn’t laugh.

« We can stay like this if you want. Or I can lie down with you if you’re tired. » Toni offered, as the sole of her bare feet started to ache.

Shelby took a step behind, took a sharp breath, ran her hand against her cheeks and stared at the floor, chuckling a nervous sounding, humorless laugh to herself. « I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I’ll sleep on my bed, I’m sorry. You can sleep on yours- I should- I’ll just go to sleep now. »

Shelby looked at her for the briefest of moments, and Toni saw her hesitate. Toni didn’t know what she was supposed to do, as there was clearly something off. She was willing to put her own needs and desires aside, for Toni was very comfortable with herself. She just needed Shelby to tell her what to do, in order to help her, but Toni doubted Shelby had any clue. Hell, Toni didn’t even know if Shelby wanted to be helped, or if it happened before, or what Shelby thought of that. Probably that it was a sin, if her “ _ I shouldn’t have _ ” was any sign.

So Toni did the only thing she knew worked for her, and she gave her space.

« Good night, Shelby. » 

It was like a cold war.   
Tension, distance, regressed to their very first day but worse.   
Toni gave her space, for the next six days, as Shelby kept teaching her, with a blank expression, as if Shelby was replaced with someone that looked like her, but was just a shell of a person.

**♰ day twenty one**

Toni saw Shelby stopping Mother Gretchen right after the service, that third Sunday. Toni lingered on the spot, small talking with Martha just to keep an eye on the way Shelby gesticulated, finally looking like she could react, and how Gretchen put a hand on her shoulder and looked patronizing.

Toni didn’t know if Shelby would waste her free afternoon on her that day too, so Toni didn’t wait for her, and just walked to the library right after lunch. She didn’t want to assume, but she was pretty sure Shelby was asking Gretchen to be assigned someone else. Toni felt so many mixed feelings: as so many days went by, her sympathy for Shelby started to fade, as she kept feeling neglected by her. Avoided. And on top of that, it was Shelby who destroyed their equilibrium with her own hands.   
The more she thought about it, the uneasier she felt, and Shelby’s failed attempt at showing up that afternoon was the final straw. Shelby didn’t  _ have  _ to, but she could have least warned Toni. So shortly before dinner, Toni marched into their room, and found Shelby exactly there, kneeled before her bed.

« Will you stop this? »

Toni rehearsed what she wanted to tell Shelby. She wanted to tell her that she was there for her, if she needed someone to talk to. She wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to run away from her, that Toni didn’t think any less of her, that they could go back to how they used to.

But no, because just like Toni couldn’t speak soft words to Shelby, earlier that week, Toni couldn’t speak soft words now. Pleading words, unaccusative words, friendly words. So Toni appealed to her aggressive side, the only one that took over her when she felt that confused, and went on: « Will you stop playing the victim, as if it wasn’t you the one who kissed me? Just cut the crap and admit this is no place for you Shelby. It’s easier than you think. »

That was everything Toni wasn’t supposed to say, and she realized the moment those words left her mouth. Because apparently leaving the convent was harder for Shelby than Toni could imagine, and Shelby probably didn’t even mean to play the victim.

Shelby dropped her hands on the bed and used them to stand up, as if she’d been for hours and her legs couldn’t support her on their own.

She looked angry, enraged, as if Toni was the worse thing that ever happened to her.

And Toni felt so many mixed feelings, she didn’t know where to start. Because for the intensity Shelby’s look evoked in her, Toni knew that somewhere along the road, she started to desire Shelby. Not just her body, but Shelby’s attention, her favour, her affection. But it was so ironic how Toni realized she finally desired something in the exact moment the unreachability of her object of desire materialized before her, with Shelby’s unsteady steps towards her, and a slap.

« What do you know about it? » Shelby just asked, more to herself than to Toni, with the tiniest of voices. Hoarse, as if she hadn’t spoken all day.

But she did, and Toni got suddenly reminded of that. « What were you telling Gretchen earlier? » It wasn’t her business, but still Toni felt so confused, so overwhelmed by her sudden realization, that she was willing to use anything to have Shelby talk to her.

« I asked to be sent somewhere else. »

It was way worse than the guide change Toni expected, that she found herself laughing, borderline hysterical. « You’re such a fucking coward, Shelby. What are you so afraid of? »

Shelby turned so that her back was facing Toni, and Toni felt even worse, as if Shelby was deaf to her. Shelby walked towards the window, and moved the curtains, to look at how the sky got dark outside. « She turned me down anyway, so. » 

Toni felt relieved by it, even if that meant forcing Shelby where she didn’t want to be.   
Toni wanted to just ask her to talk to her, wanted to tell her that she was starting to consider them friends, in the way Toni’s friends meant chosen family, for someone who never has one like her.

But Toni was hurt, hurt and confused, for Shelby’s willingness to leave her behind. Just like Toni’s parents left her behind, just like Regan left her behind — even if she didn’t mean to. And when Toni was hurt, hurt and confused, there was only one way things spiraled. Her progress with her anger didn’t lessen the intensity of her reaction, but just redirected them from other to herself, for when she was alone, she could only hurt herself. That was why she walked to the bathroom, closed the door behind her, closed a fist, gritted her teeth, and her forehead was hit by it. Then again, and again, until Toni’s vision got blurry and confused, just like the confusion and loss she felt, the only constant and firm thing to steady her the local pain in her head.

Until she heard the door cracking open, two hands curling around her fist, stopping it, and Shelby’s worried voice came to her ears. « Stop it, what are you doing? » 

Toni wanted to ask her what she cared, since she was so ready to leave her behind, and Toni knew they just met, she knew that Shelby had a lot on her plate, and that Toni never fully grew out of that unhealthy habit of hers, but still she pressed a hand on her eyes to have a cleared view, as she felt her own lips curl downwards, sealed, as if keeping in her mouth all the anger she felt.

And with that, with Shelby’s hands on her own, with Toni’s hard expression and Shelby’s worried one, Toni told her what she rehearsed, now that her anger was fading a bit, and Shelby’s touch provided steadiness and firmness akin to Toni’s hits.

« There isn’t just one way of living. If you want- » Toni would have said “if you want me”, but judging by Shelby’s readiness to go, she opted for a more general option: « to love women and love god, you can do both. »

Shelby sat on the floor next to where Toni was, hands still on top of Toni’s, answering in an almost defeated tone. As if they were two friends, confiding their secrets and problems, and nothing ever happened between them. « If it was a choice, I’d never choose to love women. So it’s not an “if I want”. I don’t have any alternative, if not chastity. »

Toni understood right at that moment, that where Shelby’s heart belonged was the reason she became a nun. « Still, if chastity doesn’t work for you, i’m sure god won’t mind too much. Isn’t he all about love and shit? »

Shelby laughed a humorless laugh, as if she had that same conversation over and over again with herself plenty of times before. And because Shelby was smart, Toni was pretty sure that was precisely the case.

« “ _ Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. _ ” » 

« What does that mean? »

« It means that one law can’t be used to justify the transgression of a different one. You can’t be good enough. “ _ You shall be holy, for I am holy. _ ” » 

Toni knew it wasn’t a good sign that the first thing Shelby did when questioned, was quoting the Scriptures. As if there was no critical intermediate passage, as if she was nothing more than an archive of what she was supposed to be, uncaring of what she already was.

« Yes, but, why did god give you only two choices, and one of them doesn’t- doesn’t bring you peace? Isn’t that sadistic? »

Toni just saw Shelby shaking her head, licking her lips, looking at the tile as if the answer was there.

« I mean, is there an empirical way to understand if you’re doing what god wants you to? » Toni asked, when calling god sadistic proved not to be Toni’s smartest move, and Shelby’s hands left Toni’s.

«  _ “For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. For every tree is known by his own fruit.”  _ » 

Once more, Toni found herself asking Shelby what that meant. She answered: « If an action is in God’s plan, then its consequences will be good. »

That was pretty convenient, but it really wasn’t the moment Toni was supposed to point out the ex-post safety of the argument.

« What doesn’t look like a good fruit, is you beating yourself up for something you have no choice over. »

Shelby looked directly in her eyes then, in such a serious way that stole Toni’s breath away, and Toni, once again, thought she was looking at an angel. As if Shelby had a direct connection with heavenly truth, and lived on a whole other level. « There is a bad fruit, but the bad tree could either be the sin of kissing another woman, or what you’re telling me. »

« Well, I’m no scientist, but there’s one way of finding out, isn’t there? »

Shelby looked like she understood straight away what Toni was suggesting, as she laughed bitterly and attempted to stand up, before Toni caught her wrist. « I’m not joking. If the bad tree really is this lifestyle you’re forcing yourself in, isn’t finding out the best thing you can give yourself? » 

« What if it’s not? What if-  _ what you’re suggesting _ only brings me to sin more? »

« Then you’ll be sure that you did well until now. » Shelby’s resistance felt so absurd to Toni, that she laughed of exasperation, « Hell, Shelby, if you want my experience, the only bad tree I’ve known is people’s hate in abstract concepts’ name, and the only good one is people’s love in concrete relationships. But you can do what you want with this information- »

For the second time, and it truly was Shelby’s style, apparently, Toni was interrupted. Against the bathroom wall, sitting on the floor, Shelby kneeling in front of her, one hand on her wrist and the other one on her cheek — and her lips on hers.

There were no tears this time, no urgency, just a soft anxiety, an uncertainty, and if their first kiss had been a scream, this one was a quiet question instead.

It was something else entirely for Toni, well acquainted with abandonment, always on her toes for her newly found family to leave her too. It never happened in her experience that someone would come back, and Toni wasn’t going to give herself credits for it, because it was Shelby herself the one who came up with the tree parable — but still that was the first time Toni experienced that distance wasn’t irreparable. Shelby’s change of heart, the second one after her choice of teaching Toni how to read and write, with Toni’s epiphany on her desire for Shelby’s company, pushed Toni to answer the kiss in such a unique way, she felt transcending. As if Shelby, who was so fascinating in Toni’s eyes and who lived on a whole other level, constantly fighting against herself, constantly teaching herself, in a life of self-restraints and self-imposed expectations, brought her up to that different level she lived in. A step upwards, where the philosophical forms shaped the worldly matter, where Shelby touched the truth, and where Toni was led to touch it too. With Shelby’s face so close to hers, and their lips moving against one another, and Shelby’s hands on her, and Toni’s on Shelby’s back, just to make sure her change of hearts isn’t just instability, and she won’t run away this time too.

But Shelby broke the kiss, face still quite close, eyes on Toni’s lips, forehears brushing. And Shelby’s hand on Toni’s wrist went right there, pressing against Toni’s forehead like no one ever did before, and placed a kiss there too.

« God is against those kinds of things. Because your body is His, it’s a temple, and you were made in His image. So one’s body should be untouchable. » Shelby whispered, before placing another kiss, but even if Shelby’s words fell flat on Toni’s atheist ears, what Toni kept was Shelby’s gentle tone, and her attempt at discouraging Toni from doing it again. It reminded Toni of how little they actually know each other, how much more there still was to learn, how eager Toni felt to get to know every little part Shelby would let her discover.

But it was a lot, and Toni didn’t want Shelby to run away, so she answered instead: « Yeah, no, my body is mine thank you very much. »

Shelby smiled at that, and Toni felt proud of herself, felt her chest ache at the sight, and knew that she’d be fine, as long as Shelby kept smiling like that.

« I really taught you nothing, Toni. »

« You sure didn’t, Sister Shelby. »

Shelby looked somewhere between amused and horrified, and with another laugh, Toni leaned in just a little. « Is it too early for another- »

If twice wasn’t enough evidence to draw a pattern, Shelby’s lips on hers confirmed Toni’s theory, that Shelby loved interrupting her with unannounced kissing. Toni wasn’t complaining, though, as their third kiss didn’t feel like a scream or like a question, but rather like an inner joke between the two of them. Light and intimate.

Toni expected Shelby to relapse. To regret everything, to ask to be sent somewhere, to have someone else to guide. But Shelby never did, and when she looked a bit more cloudy than usual, Toni asked, and Shelby shared with her.

Toni kept checking on her, in the next few weeks, as things didn’t change that much between them, physical contact aside. If Shelby’s less tense shoulders and more frequent smiles were any clue, the tree of Shelby’s acceptance of her own sexuality was a good one — just like Shelby’s closeness was the good tree to help Toni get rid of her bad, angry fruits.

**day sixty three**

Dim warm lights, a few candles. Wooden furniture, carved details, white curtains and windows that reveal a dark quiet night outside. A room that saw many painted scenes of praying, denying, looking for comfort, fearing for loneliness. The echo of existing in a sacred space.

Existing close to another body, a body that just got out of the bathtub, whose blonde curls were still damp and had an easy smile on her tired face.

« You’re staring, Toni. »

« I was trying to pick a fight. » Toni answered, trying to make Shelby laugh, but because of her lack of knowledge of how the city roads worked, Shelby just raised a brow, sitting on her bed.

« It was- nevermind. Can I go in? » Toni asked, pointing at the bathroom’s door.

« Sure. » Shelby answered, and as Toni closed the door, she heard Shelby’s muffled question: « Never understood why you always want to go second. »

Toni just got used to, after it lost its purpose, when Toni’s hygiene caught up with the people who had regular access to clean water and soap. Secretly in Toni’s heart she knew she didn’t want to fall asleep waiting for Shelby to be done, and miss the rare opportunity to see her without the veil, that relaxed, even more beautiful, if that was possible.

Sinking deeper in the bathtub, tepid water, Toni closed her eyes. A little longer than two months ago she’d never imagined she’d be there, now. Not because Toni took a liking for religion or the convent, even if Shelby did make her re-think about some of Toni’s harshest stances against the institution of the church as a whole — but rather because that was where Shelby was, where the girls were, where she didn’t need to worry about what she was going to sleep next, where she could feel useful working. Where she was given the opportunity to provide for herself, to connect with others, to love and be loved back.

Toni truly couldn’t ask for anything else. And as she stood there, allowing herself a moment too long in the water, an easy smile on her lips, she heard the door opening and Shelby’s steps. Toni’s smiles got a little wider, as she teased: « Careful, I’m naked, you know. »

She expected Shelby’s laugh, because ever since their sort-of-relationship became something to joke about, that was what got Shelby to double over, Toni gladly found out. So she never missed an occasion to bring that up, because humor, apparently, was Shelby’s privileged coping mechanism.

« That’s  _ why  _ I came in. » Shelby answered, and that was another thing Toni loved: finding out that after Shelby was comfortable enough with the thing to allow Toni to joke about it, she started biting back, and Toni always felt a funny feeling in her stomach.

Toni kept her eyes closed, figuring Shelby forgot something. But she felt Shelby’s fingers on her scalp, and Toni cracked an eye open, questioning. When Shelby started massaging there though, that forced Toni’s eyes back shut, an appreciative moan instead, because she was already relaxed from the bath.

Shelby chuckled, before explaining: « You’ve been good to me. And I guess I don’t have any means to thank you properly. »

Toni would have shaken her head, but she felt like her brain was melting under Shelby’s touches, so she kept still instead. A little longer than a whole month passed since their first kiss, the kiss that interrupted Toni’s attempt at explaining how good Shelby had been to her. Toni wasn’t sure if Shelby chose to phrase it like that because of it, or if it was just a coincidence, but it led Toni straight to her answer. « You’ve taught me the few things I know, so I think we’re more than even. » 

« You knew plenty of things before coming here. You acted as if you knew everything actually, Toni. »

Toni smiled at that and opened her eyes, despite the struggle, to take Shelby’s expression in. She looked content, with her blonde hair falling behind her back, on her shoulders, and the reflection of the candles in the bathroom bouncing from the water on Shelby’s skin, to make her look even more ethereal.

Toni gulped, and sat straighter, Shelby’s hands falling behind and grabbing on the edge of the bathtub instead.

« The water is turning cold. » Toni mumbled the first explanation that came to her mind, because she knew what Shelby’s vows were, and she knew that a kiss there, like that, wouldn’t be just another one of Shelby’s experimentation with her fruit and tree reconciling lifestyle — whatever that even meant.

Shelby nodded, and as soon as she walked outside, Toni rinsed and collected the now used water in buckets, to use it for the plantations the next morning.

When Toni walked back in the room, clean and in her nightgown, ready for bed, she found Shelby sitting on Toni’s bed.

« Is everything alright? » Toni asked.

Shelby nodded, and patted a spot next to her. So Toni obeyed and walked until the spot. Sitting down, turning her torso to face Shelby, one leg tucked under her.

Shelby mirrored her position, biting her lips, looking at her hands in her lap.

« You know, you’re sitting on the bed of a woman who kissed other women, » Toni went for a joke, seeing how Shelby was on the verge of saying something, but needed a little push.

She smiled a little, as if to acknowledge Toni’s joke, before lifting her eyes and meeting Toni’s.

« Sacraments are vocations. You’re called by God to fulfill a role in your life, and you feel it. It’s like a thread that starts from your chest and pulls you towards where you’re meant to be. Becoming part of a holy order is feeling such a deep connection to God, that you devote your whole life to contemplating Him and His teachings- » Toni had no idea where Shelby was going, for she was now used to Shelby’s circumlocutions to get to the point. But it didn’t look very pretty, because Shelby borderline looked like she was telling Toni that she intended on taking the solemn vows, and because of that, they had to break their little deal.

But Shelby continued: « -Marriage is feeling such a deep connection to a single person, that you know God wanted to manifest Himself in them, in your relationship with them and in the family you’ll build with them. »

Toni remembered Shelby’s teachings on the other sacraments, earlier that month: on the baptism, the eucharist, the confirmation, the reconciliation and the anointing of the sick. Still, Shelby chose to only talk about those two.

« I took the vows because I’ve never felt the kind of connection marriage requires with a man, and it wasn’t an option to marry a woman — it still isn’t, not by traditional marriage. But I’ve felt my bond with God to get deeper over the past few months, ever since you came in the picture, and- well, I mean. » Shelby met her eyes only then, questioning and uncertain, as if begging Toni to understand what she meant before she had to think of a way to say it.

« I don’t think I get it, Shelbs. Do you regret being a nun? »

« No, of course not. That’s the reason I met you in the first place, anyway. But the vows I took, those are vows for a calling that is no longer mine, and perhaps never was. It’s a formality now, wearing the veil for me. »

Toni nodded, « Alright, I’m glad you figured it out. » Toni finished, smiling, unsure of what she was supposed to say. It was a good thing, right? Looking at Shelby’s face it didn’t look like a bad thing, so Toni supposed congratulating was a good thing to do.

But Shelby was still sitting in front of her, with expectation, and Toni found herself asking: « It’s a good thing right? »

Shelby’s lips brushed hers, and Toni took that for a yes. She felt a bit confused, but she gladly accepted that kind of easier language Toni understood, for Toni was still learning and didn’t possess a fraction of Shelby’s knowledge, because Shelby was still patient enough to teach her, after all that time.

Shelby’s hand grabbed the fabric on Toni’s stomach, pulling a bit, and it was quite different from where Shelby’s hands used to be, but it was such an imperceptible change that Toni didn’t give much thought to.

Not until Shelby’s kissing became a bit more urgent, and Toni’s too, following her, unsure of when to stop, and what that had anything to do with Shelby’s little speech.

She found out when Shelby broke the kiss to breathe, and said against her lips: «  _ “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does.” _ » 

Quoting the bible in a moment like that was the last thing Toni wanted, but she was always willing to listen to Shelby, so she waited for a few moments to clear her mind from the heat of the kiss and collect her thoughts. « What? »

« It’s the doctrine of the conjugal debt. Saint Paul says that it’s a duty for the married parties to have sex, and the only exception is if both of them are consensual for abstinence. »

Toni didn’t even know where to start, because, first of all: « What if one is consensual and one isn’t? That’s rape, even if they’re married. » She saw Shelby blinking, as if she was preparing for another kiss and not an objection. « Also, why are we discussing it now? »

Shelby opened her mouth looking for words, and Toni knew she was still considering Toni’s first answer, when Toni’s slow brain caught up with the situation. With Shelby’s speech on vocation, on the string to a person that represents god, on how Toni pushed her closer to him, on how she quoted the sex thing, on the bathroom.

« Are you- Shelby, is this your weird elaborated way to ask to have sex with me? »

If Toni hadn’t been in the situation she was, torn between excitement and confusion, she would have thought that the way Shelby blushed would have been cute. But Shelby licked her lips, and stated that: « I mean, if the two of them disagree, the weakest part has the upper hand- » and Toni wasn’t sure if Shelby was referring to their current situation, to Toni’s question, or to her first argument.

So, to set it all aside, because Toni was a simple woman and theoretical discussion on the sacred scripture could wait a couple more hours, she said: « If this is your elaborated way, I’m no weak party, and we’re both consensual. » and, just to lighten the mood, for comedic sake Toni revealed a bit herself: « Hell, Shelby, god knows how long I’ve been consensual. »

It did make Shelby laugh, and Toni was happy with herself for that. But it lasted only so much, because Toni’s stomach dropped at Shelby’s fluttering eyes and soft words: « It was. My “elaborated way”. » 

Toni felt like a teenager all over again, all trembling hands and clumsy moves much like her first time with Regan. « Are you sure? »

Shelby nodded, as Toni’s hands placed on either side of Shelby’s figure, suggesting to lay down. Under the flickering light, her green eyes shimmered with excitement, and Toni felt like drowning in them, now that she finally was allowed to touch Shelby. She understood what pushed Shelby to join her in the bathroom, for Toni knew better how to speak with actions than words, but Shelby had been so untouchable until then, and Toni so, so grateful. That was perhaps why after their kisses were established, things flew so easier between them. Toni had her tool for speaking to Shelby, and no longer mute, she spoke of soft and gentle touches.

Just like she did then, under the flickering eyes, under Shelby’s emerald scrutinizing eyes, One of Toni’s hands caressed Shelby’s skin, traveled under her nightclothes, on her tights and her abdomen, finding it raising and lowering with each breath.

« Are you cold? » Shelby asked her, and Toni shook her head, slightly confused, as her hand hovered above Shelby’s undergarments.

« Your hands are cold. » Shelby explained.

« Oh, I’m sorry. » Toni gulped, as she brought her hands back to herself, rubbing them against one another, now sitting up and straddling Shelby’s waist.

« It’s fine, It doesn’t bother me. » Shelby protested, with smiling eyes that looked like they were overflowing with affection. Toni felt her chest tighten at the sight, and she wanted Shelby’s first time to be perfect, so she rubbed her hands a bit more, blowing on them, until they felt warm enough.

She resumed her position, as Shelby chuckled and her hands rested on Toni’s neck, pulling her in for a kiss.

Foreheads touching, Toni slipped her hand between Shelby’s tights, under her last piece of clothing, and couldn’t help but smile at the state she found her — waiting for her.

It felt like it had been forever since the last time Toni found herself in a situation like that, and even longer since she found herself caring for the person below her. But it surely was the first time she found her own body respond that quickly, as if synchronized with Shelby’s, and it surely was the first time she found as if she was attending a sacred practice, her sacrifice to a shrine, her devotion to a goddess, her prayer to what turned to be Toni’s whole world, those past few months.

Shelby’s expression, her column of the throat exposed, the licking of her lips parted to look for air, her eyes lidded, staring at Toni with such inscrutable expression. Her messy hair spread all over Toni’s pillow, Shelby’s sweet scent of the skin filling Toni’s senses, the look of her body through the light fabric, the feeling of her breasts under Toni’s free hand — it was all at once, and before Toni could focus on one detail, there were a million more right next to it that demanded her attention. And, overwhelmed, by the time Shelby came apart under her touches, with light moans that shook Toni’s body to the core, Toni felt weak on her knees, close to mystical ecstasy herself.

When Shelby caught her breath, got on her elbows, locked her legs with Toni’s and switched positions — under Shelby’s touches, like miracles or theophanies, Toni reached mystical ecstasy herself.

Toni was no religious person walking in that convent, months ago, but she sure was now, that she found something worth worshipping. And if she walked in the convent with a plan in mind to get out of it, she now understood that the place she found herself in had no meaning whatsoever, as long as it was a sacred place to practice her profession of faith.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not very happy with toni's """self-harm""" episode because it feels a bit overdramatic, but i wanted to place it somewhere, to give some three-dimensionality to my rendition of her character in this fic. so yeah perhaps i messed up the rhythms and got the timing spread too thin.
> 
> fun fact: for the smut "scene" (more light very loose hint) i took inspiration from the ecstasy of saint teresa by bernini. studying it in high school was my gay awakening.

**Author's Note:**

> so i don't know a thing about how they talked back in the day, so i'm trying to compromise between staying as in-character as i manage to not sounding too anachronistic (for toni, mostly)  
> the history bit is all just a frame, so forgive me any inaccuracies. the focus is on the girls of course  
> ps. povs will be switched for each chapter


End file.
